pent up ANGER, don’t f*ck with Meggiepants!

I have way too much pint up anger inside…I’ve just discovered this…

I was on the phone tonight with someone and my step father who is home on vacation days came in a told me to “get the fuck off the phone”…I was like ok…so I did…I didn’t say anything, but that was really embarassing you know…I know the other person heard him say that…it’s just not good manners…besides…it shows quiet a bit of lack of respect for the other person or their feelings as far as I’m concerened…but I guess that’s not how he sees it…unfortunately…

So I asked my mother to come into my room so that I could talk to her for a moment…I can’t talk to him because he gets really upset…head turns all red, starts yelling and gets all out of breath…even when I just try to talk to him…so I wanted to talk to her instead…she doesn’t get like that…so I pulled her into my room and simply told her that I really didn’t appreciate that he did that while I was on the phone with someone…and the thing was he didn’t want to use the phone…he just didn’t want me on it…for what reason I don’t know…I asked her if she knew and she of course said no…so who knows…well, my mother being the bright cookie that she is tells him about me talking to her about it…why I’ll never know when she knows very well how he gets…so of course he comes storming into my room telling me to get my ass into he living room right now…I was in the middle of folding laundry so I said that I’d be there in just a minute…and he said don’t make me drag your fat ass out of there and into the living room I said now…so I went…

So…I’m in the living room standing there listening to him go on about how I should come to him and he starts getting pissed and yelling telling me that I’m not worth anything and that I could be homeless at the snap of his finger and my mom wouldn’t care because she’s told him that she’s sick of me being here anyway…so I just kept standing there while he yelled at me…and he asked me what the hell was wrong with me…and I said that I just didn’t appreciate being embarassed like that, and that was all…to which he said he didn’t care if he embarassed me or if I appreciated it or not…I didn’t say anything back…he just kept yelling and the entire time my mom is sitting there going…SHHHHH we have neighbors…I was like WTF??…I’m pretty sure they’re up by now…it’s almost amusing at this point as to how upset he gets over little things…the next thing my mom says is…well you better get to bed, you have to be to work in the morning…I just looked at her and said…Like I’m going to sleep…

I don’t sleep…and these pills that they gave me suck ass…they don’t work especially when you’re upset…listening to Creed right now…Human Clay…good cd for when you’re upset or pissed…and I’m both…I don’t need anyone else telling me that I’m worth nothing I can do plenty of that by myself…and I had plenty of it from my real father when I was little…I’m pissed at my mom…she did exactly what she did when I was little…NOTHING…she was suppose to protect me then…and she failed…I don’t trust her…and I never will…she says that I lie…and all I can think is…I’ve been lying my entire life…I’m good at it by now…secrets are what I do best…I’ve kept a big one for 16 years…I’ve learned alot about lying…it’s an art…and I’ve perfected it…sad but true…

Sometimes I just wish I could make someone feel the way I do inside…I feel exhausted, used, violent, lonely…all of these lead up to one unhappy meggiepants! lol…well I don’t know…I’m happy most of the time…just when I have memories then I get uncomfy and sort of down…sucks…but oh well what can ya do ya know…:-)

Things will get better…they always do…right? later~megs