peeking through my fingers that cover my eyes..

It’s 4 in the morning and here I sit in front of my computer.  My husband asleep in the bedroom and absolutely nothing going on in the house. 

I’m lonely.

Do you ever just feel completely alone?  Like no one really understands where you’re coming from?  What your about?  Hell maybe I don’t even understand that.  I’m going to be 28 this year and I have no clue what I am doing with my life.  I just try to get through it day by day and hope nothing else goes wrong.  What a way to live.

Chris is absolutely no help what so ever.  He’s been out of work for 5 months and although I know he is actively looking for a job I still find myself starting to resent that fact that he hasn’t worked for that long.  Bills just keep piling up and I don’t have the means to pay for them.  My parents have bought us a car and are paying for it and the insurance at the moment.  I feel like a complete loser for that.  I know that people will think I’m a failure if they find out.  They’d be right to think that right?  What adult can’t even make their own car payment without their parents help?  Honestly I’m doing my best to get the rent and utlities paid.  Let alone food or anything else.  I’m not trying to whine because I know some people don’t even have a place to live or a job, and I count myself lucky for these things. 

I don’t know.  All Chris ever does these days is whine about how no one will hire him and bitch and complain how it’s everyone else’s fault.  I just wish he’d take responsibility for the fact that he keeps fucking up every good job that he gets by running his mouth.  If he could or would just shut the fuck up sometimes he’d be able to keep a job for more than just a couple of months.  But no, he has to get drama going on the jobsite and people fighting with eachother.  This pisses me off. I wish he’d just admit to the mistakes he’s made and grow up.  I think it’s time he’s 34 for fuck sake.  His mouth, his record, and the fact that his resume looks like he job hops isn’t doing him any favors.  You can’t explain that to him though, it’s always someone else’s fault. 

Today….all day (this will probably be TMI) I have tried to get some booty from him.  He never gave it up.  I’m sexually frustrated at the moment.  So I’m sure that’s making me bitchy as well.  He just looked at me and said, " I don’t feel like it right now".  Ok, so I had said that to him about a week ago because I was right in the middle of dealing with my parents drama of the car situation and he’s all in my face trying to get some.  Apparently that pissed him off, but I did give in later that night.  So screw it, I give up.  It’s not like our sex life is that great anyway as of late, so I’m not missing out on anything.

We went over to my parents last night and we all went to dinner at the Macaroni Grill (we all had gift cards there), it took an hour for us to get seated and the food wasn’t that great.  But it was still a good time, then we went back to my parents and I had to fax a few things off and my mom and I were just in the office talking about bills and all that crap.  She says to me, "It’s a good thing you two aren’t thinking about kids anytime soon, you can’t afford it and are in no position right now".  Ok, I obviously know this, but that comment still kind of hurt.  Mostly because I’m not even sure if I can have kids or not. 

Really, we’ve been having unprotected sex for 5 years and we don’t have any kids.  Something isn’t right.  He has a child from a previous relationship so odds are it’s not him.  Anyway, somehow Chris brought something up about kids tonight and I just looked at him and said that I wouldn’t bother worrying about it because we probably won’t have kids anyway.  He asked why I said that and I just told him that we can’t afford them, we probably won’t be good parents anyway considering that we can’t even have a dog without yelling at it sometimes, and I don’t think I can have them.  He seemed upset for a moment.  I’m not really sure why, he’s the one that keeps telling me that he isn’t sure that he wants another kid.  He just kept talking about it and honestly I started getting upset, because the last thing I want to do is talk about it.  So I asked why he was pushing the issue???  He said that maybe he changed his mind about it, and so I asked him if this was going to be a BIG deal if we couldn’t.  He said no, but told me I shouldn’t say that we never will.  Whatever, I’m tired of thinking about it.  I want to be a mom in the worst way, and if it never happens I’ll be heartbroken, but thinking about just hurts and makes me feel like broken peice of crap.  It’s just…with all the abuse that I took as a child, all the crap that I’ve put up with as an adult….couldn’t god just give me this one??? I know that I’m only 27, but I’ve put up with alot of shit in my life and having a kid is all I can ever remember really wanting.  Oh well…enough of that.

On to something else that’s bothering me.  (sorry for bitching so much, but I’m awake and these things are probably why)  My sister.  I haven’t talked to her since last friday, and mostly because she said she didn’t have time for me right now.  I understand that with school and work she is busy, but I’ve put up with her crap for too long.  All this, I don’t have to talk to you and if you piss me off I won’t crap.  She even pulls this shit of if she doesn’t like what I’m watching on TV at my house she tells me she’ll just leave if I don’t turn it.  I mean, we’re not 2 right?? How childish is that.  So fuck it, the phone works both ways and if she’s not concerned with our relationship then why should I be?  I love my sister, but she can be a real bitch sometimes.  I’ll just need to grow up and realize that my big sister isn’t the best thing ever.  In fact when we didn’t live in the same town she never bothered to call or visit anyway.  I’m tired of always being the one to make the effort. 

Other than that, things at work are fine.  I have nothing else to say at the moment…take care.