Mother’s day….

Ok…MOTHER’S DAY….

Lets start with Saturday…I sent my mother flowers on Friday and they were delivered no problem…and I arranged to have my mother in-laws flowers delivered on Saturday sometime.  We waited and waited to hear from her and nothing, so finally after I got home from work I asked Chris to call and see if she had gotten them…nope…So I was pissed, I called the flower company and asked if they were on the way or what the hell was going on.  When you pay $70 to have flowered delivered you expect them to get there right?  No I guess not.  They said there was a problem with the florist in that area and they don’t deliver to that town.  WTF???  And you couldn’t have notified me of this any earlier?  I placed the order on Wednesday and it’s now Saturday and you’re telling me you didn’t know this until now?  I was so pissed.  There wasn’t time to send and card or anything and it get there in time.  They said they could arrange for them to be there at a later date…ok, well that’s not really helping me out on mother’s day now is it?  Dumbasses….

Then we were to go over to my grandparents on Sunday.  No big deal just celebrate the May birthday’s and mother’s day all in one big get together.  Well it’s no big secret that my gpa is a raging alcoholic and we all just try to ignore what he says if he’s in one of his testy moods.  Avoid right, that’s what families of alcoholics do the best right?  Well we had gotten through most of the day avoiding as best as possible…he was just in one of those crappy moods where he liked to pick on everyone and anyone and it didn’t really matter if you walked off or not because he’d follow.  Not to mention that he’d been out in the sun while he was drinking which I’m sure was helping the situation.  So we were all sitting in the kitchen and he came into sit down.  He was sitting across from me and I really wasn’t thinking much about it. 

Well, all of the sudden Bailey (my old dog that I had to keep there for awhile, but when I went to get him my gma starting crying and asked to just keep him) walked by and he punched him right in the back…not once, but twice….I was like WTF…He hit him so hard on the back that his little legs gave out from underneath him…I was pissed, but tried to stay calm for the most part calling bailey to try and get him outside…well obviously he had to pass by my gpa again to get to the door…while he was passing through he hit him again, I put out my arm to pull the dog close to my leg so he wouldn’t get hit anymore…My gpa reached over and told me to "Let go of that fucking dog", and then proceeded to hit me in the arm…it was no light hit, not just a smack…it left a fucking bruise on my forearm about the size of a golf ball…which doesn’t sound big, but still.  So I looked at him and said, "hey now, I’ll hit back"…and he fired back with "Well if you had taken the fucking dog I wouldn’t be hitting him" I was just confused at this point and my gma jumped in saying that she wanted to keep that dog and I tried to take him and she wouldn’t let me.  It was just a fucking mess and the entire time everyone just sat there not saying a fucking word. 

I’m pretty sure that’s what pissed me off the most.  No one said a fucking word to him.  Not about hitting the dog, or me.  They just sat there like DUH.  It makes me so mad sometimes that he’s allowed to act like an ass.  I went outside where Chris was and we had a smoke, which I know I quit but at the moment I needed one.  He asked me what the fuck was going on because of course I was crying.  I told him and he was pissed, but what was he to do you know.  It’s not his repsonsibililty.  When I finally came back to the house my gma was sitting on the porch with the dog and she looked at me and said, "Now bailey you tell Megan that no matter what you know that gpa loves you, no matter what he does to you"…and I just looked at her and said, "That seems to be a trend with this family, no matter what gpa does he still loves you and you have to love gpa, well I don’t have to do anything I’m an adult and he’s an ass sometimes".  I didn’t go back in the house and shortly after my sister came out and said we were leaving.  I’m still not over this.  I’m an almost 27 year old woman I don’t have to be hit by anyone.

My mother called me on the way home and asked if I was alright.  I told her NO.  She just sat there on the phone and I told her that I don’t have to put up with this shit and I can treat him just like I did my own father.  If you choose to abuse me I don’t have to be around you.  I’ll cut you off and that’ll be the end.  Sure I’ll feel bad for a minute, but it’ll pass. It’s close to being that way, because I don’t need the shit.

I think I’m most disappointed in her. My mother.  My entire life I feel like I’ve been let down by her.  Where my father is concerned, where my grandfather is concerned.  I feel like my sister and I just became targets and she was ok with that because it meant she could take a break from being one for awhile.  She never said anything to my gpa when he put us down or made fun of us.  When he hit us.  Not a word.  I suppose Saturday just brought all that back seeing as she was sitting at the table and saw it all happen.  She just sat there, staring as if she had her jaws wired shut.  It makes me really sad to feel this way about her.  I love her I really do.  But I just don’t feel like she was there for my sister or I at all.  She allowed so much to happen to us and never said a word.  I fear I will resent her forever.  I suppose I’ll always feel like a kid sometimes who just wanted their mom to stand up for them, if not everytime, just once.

So my sister and I left that day feeling alot like we did in our childhoods.  It’s just us.  We talked about what had happened.  And I see why my sister is always planning things out.  We always make fun of her for being a planner.  She always needs to have a plan before she leaves the house of what is going to happen and how it’s going to happen.  Her way of controlling things.  I think alot of it’s from trying to protect me from whatever was out there or inside for that matter.  She spent so much of her childhoold trying to keep me from getting hit, trying to plan out things for us to do so we would be away from my dad and he couldn’t get to me, trying to keep me hidden.  Now that sounds weird but I think about it…I don’t know if I could have watched knowing that there was nothing I could do. 

From this experience I see that my past can be pushed down, but never erased.  That I’ll always be this untrusting until you prove to me beyond a doubt that I can even let you in a little.  I’ll never be the type of mother mine is, I have a spine.  And unfortunately, although I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise…I’m not over my childhood. 

But, who is….