In retrospect…

I miss the way a first kiss feels.

The butterflies you get right before you know it’s going to happen. The anticipation of knowing that the other person wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss them. It’s not the usual peck of a kiss you get from a long term relationship. It’s a passionate, hold your breath, goose bumps all over, RELEASE. *sigh* I miss that more than I ever knew I could.

When I kiss Chris I don’t feel that anymore. When we have sex it’s just sex. Good or bad it’s just sex. Since he cheated on me I can’t seem to let go of any of my inhibitions. I feel myself withdraw more everyday and although on the outside you see a put together relationship on the inside it’s crumbling into pieces that no longer fit together. If you tried to mend them they’d still fall apart. When I got married I always thought that it would be us against the world and in reality it became me against the world and my own insecurities. I thought I could change to suit his needs and he could change to suit mine. We just never fit into eachothers molds not matter how hard we shoved ourselves. You can’t grow into someone else and you definitely can’t change someone else to fit into your life.

Life is moving on and although I’m still married when I find my house that will all be taken care of. I know that next time I won’t try to change myself to fit someone else. I won’t ask them to change who they are to make me happy. I want to actually enjoy the other person for their imperfections and their oddities. I want to laugh as much as possible in my life, I want to have fun even though things may suck at the moment, when it seems like the sky is falling I want someone to be there to hold it up even if it’s just until it gets a little better, and I want someone who is confident enough to be themselves. I used to think that if there was enough money we’d be happy, if we had the best things we’d be happy, if I could just get enough of everything then life would be perfect. Money and things don’t make you happy and it only took me a decade to figure it out.

I was naive to think that life was going to turn out like a fairy tale, sometimes you find a frog and no matter how many times you kiss him he’s not going to turn into a prince.

Today I feel a bit defeated by marriage, but hopeful for whoever gives me the next first kiss.~megs