I opened the box of chocolates and it’s crap…..

I find myself in front of the computer on this crappy little day thinking of things that I thought I had put behind me…things that I thought I could just think my way out of or forget that anything or anyone exsisted….

It is my father’s birthday…he is 56 years old…and I haven’t spoken to him in two years…and although I am happy about that I also hold a certain amount of guilt with me for some reason…I shouldn’t….that man put me through hell and beyond and yet somewhere in my….not "heart"….maybe my "mind" there is a tiny tiny tiny bit of love for him….even if it is just guilt love…he was and is not a good man…anyone that could do things to their child like he did to me….how is it that I’m left with these feelings….I just want to forget him…the man I feel isn’t even human…how could he be, not after the things he did. 

I find life to complex sometimes.  I’ll never understand why some people have to endure the hardships that they do and why "god" let this stuff happen to me….I am for now and probably forever confused about these things.  I still to this day feel obligated to love him just because he’s my father.  I long for the day when I’ll break free from this hate…from the prison that he helped create.  My soul is holding in all the hate and anger and I long to release it.  I long to be a whole person…

For those who are interested here is a entry I wrote about the things that happened with my father… http://opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A342544&entry=10153&mode=

It’s usually on private, but no one will know what this entry is about unless they read it…

I’m out….