I Can Feel So Unpretty…

I have only tears for the moment……

 

I am hurt….and I feel rather lonely….

 

My feelings are in knots…my heart with a small, yet significant, crack in it…..

 

I just keep saying to myself….I am a beautiful person…

 

…..repeating….repeating….repeating………………………..

 

But it isn’t sinking all the way in…It has been quite awhile since I’ve felt so unattractive….

 

and in a sense betrayed….

 

Let me just tell you one word to let you in on these emotions….PORN….

 

and another my husband…

 

Here’s the thing, I don’t believe that porn is "bad"…although I do believe that when you are married that maybe you should include the person in the looking or at least let them know that you are going to look and they’re welcome to as well…does that make sense???  Otherwise when you find out that they’re going about hiding it, it’s just painful for their significant other….

 

I’m not a shy person and when I find something like that I confront as soon as possible which could be a bad thing, because when I’m hurt I tend to be a very hateful and spiteful person.  My sarcasm is in full swing and my anger and my mouth out of control.  I hate lies….pretty much anyone could do anything to me….but to lie to me is the biggest betrayal ever…..ever…..It makes me more than angry if there is anything….irate….

 

Especially when I have asked you if you were looking it up….I’ve found it in various places in the house and asked you about it….I’ve even put on the parental controls on the computer thinking that you’d get the point that I know you’re looking it up and to stop or you won’t be looking anything up….and then after I take the controls off you look it up anyway….are you freakin’ serious??? Do you have fucking brain damage you stupid bastard???….Have I not told you and told you again that you’re hurting my feelings….that it’s not cool with me…that it’s like you cheating anyway because you’re lying about it????….If that’s what you have to do to fuck me…then don’t fuck me…I am a beautiful person…and if you can’t see that and you need to look at other women to get off…then so be it….go find another woman to fuck and I’ll go find someone who respects me for who I am and is more than happy to just be with me…lies…lies….lies……*sigh*…..and when I try to talk to you about it you just…"I don’t know." I’m so sick of that answer I could puke…….

 

I am hurt          angry         in disbelief         I…………………..give………………….up…………..