hee hee hee whoooo….

So, here’s what’s on my mind…

Chris and I went to my parents house today, just to hang out and have brunch.  It was a good time.  We took the dog and everyone was happy.  I helped make brunch and we were all sitting at  the table and my step-dad brought up the fact that he’s going to his 50th class reunion.  Long story short my mother somehow got on the subject of her 35th reunion coming up next year and she said, and I quote, " I just couldn’t possibly go to my reunion."  I asked why and she replied…

I don’t have any grandchildren and I’d be too ashamed to admit that.  My children are almost middle-aged with no kids yet. 

WTF? 

She’s been dropping little hints and things for the past year almost about grandkids.  I get it.  I understand that you want me to have kids.  I want to have kids too, but did you ever think that maybe it’s just not possible for me?  My periods are so irregular, I’m lucking if I have 3 a year, and I just found out that I have type 2 diabetes in November.  Perhaps it’s just not in the cards for me to have kids… This  is a VERY touchy subject with me.  I look around at all the people in my life who are happy and have kids, people that are pregnant and glowing.  I truly am happy for them because I know that they’ll be great parents, but I’d be a liar if I said I’m not a little sad for myself.  I’m going to be 29 this year and I realize that I still have some child bearing years left, but honestly I thought I’d at least have 1 child by now.  I feel as though I’m failing at something.  That just sounds fucked up doesn’t it?  How do you fail at that???  It’s this supposed to be an easy thing!

It’s not for lack of trying believe me…TMI 🙂  But after 5 years of "trying" with no luck I think it’s probably safe to say that there isn’t much hope left on the kid front.  And going through the process of illimination, it’s probably also safe to say since Chris already has a child that he’s not the problem…it’s ME.  *sigh*  I don’t get it…

I try to fool myself into believing that it’s not that big of deal to me, but it is.  It depresses me.  I’m thankful for the things that I do have in my life, but can’t I just have this too?  Chris always tells me if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t then it’s not the end of the world and we’ll still be happy.  But will I?  I’m not sure.

So in a nutshell this was my day and what I thought about……..ALL DAY…….who needs these thoughts!!