Finding out what’s in the rabbit hole…

Well here I am again. It’s been 9 years since I started this diary and I find that to be just crazy!

Christmas 2010 is over and it went smoothly unlike last year when my husband had left me and I was left devastated that Thanksgiving and at his parents when we "reconciled" for Christmas. It’s been a VERY challenging year to say the least. Alot of ups and downs and in betweens.

Chris still isn’t working and hasn’t since November of last year. He is looking and it’s very frustrating to see him fail. I can’t help him it as to be him, but he looks to me for encouragement and to stay positive. It’s EXHAUSTING. I have a hard enough time trying to stay optimistic for myself let alone for someone else.

One thing that has changed has been his attitude towards me, he is much more loving and caring. He says he love me everyday and tries to give me everything that I need. It seems sincere as far as I can tell. I still have a hard time trusting everything he says and does. I feel like I wait for the bottom to fall out. It’s a horrible feeling and he seems as though he is trying hard to gain my trust back. Just takes time I suppose. I keep telling myself that I’m over it, that what he did is in the past and we can just move on as if nothing happened. It’s not possible I realize that now. I am working through the pain everyday. I try to acknowledge the fact that at some point in our relationship it all fell apart. Picking the pieces up has been more difficult that I thought it could ever be. At times I feel like I’m more in love with Chris than I have ever been, and at other times I just feel like this is the person that caused so much heartache how can I love him still? Time passes and perhaps the pain and memories will subside with it.

Another thing that I have been struggling with is the fact that I am now 30 and here it is plan and simple we have been having unprotected sex for 8 years now and NO KIDS? How is that even fucking possible. I don’t have regular cycles so maybe I’m the problem. It just sucks because out of all the things I wanted in life I wanted to be a mom. It doesn’t seem like it is going to happen and I know what people say…you can adopt, but in our circumstances, we can’t. Or "you’re only 30", but really that only leaves me 7 or 8 good childbearing years. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m probably never going to be a parent, and all I’m really only ever going to have are "pet kids". This is the MOST difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my life because I never thought that I would have to deal with it. I realize that in so many ways I am lucky in life, but honestly this is the ONE thing…the one thing…that I REALLY wanted out of my life, and it’s not going to happen. It makes me so angry, upset, sad, confused and hopeless at times. I’ve been through alot of shitty times in my life and I just thought maybe this would be something that just would happen and be easy. I was wrong. Coping and coming to terms with this, I fear, will never be easy.

I’m joining a weight loss deal thing next Tuesday because I do need to drop some poundage. We will see how it goes. I know that I turn to food for comfort in my depressing times. I just wish there was a switch I could turn on and off to make my brain stop wanting to eat. It is like being addicting to the one thing you physically can’t stop doing or you’ll die. It’s ridiculous. It sounds so stupid but I wish there were a rehab for fatties sometimes/ I wish that it was socially acceptable to say "I’m fat, I know this, and I’m going to rehab". LMAO sounds fucking dumb when you put it like that I suppose. It’s like I realize that I’ve done this to myself, but what makes me different than a drug addict? Seems like it’s more acceptable to pop pills, huff, snort, smoke or inject yourself to death than to eat yourself to death. People say all the time, "Why don’t you just stop?", It’s just not that easy if it were there wouldn’t be ANY fat people. I eat to make myself less attractive because I never wanted anyone to look at me in a sexual way the way my father used to. I figured just make yourself the least sexually attractive person and you will be safe. When that’s the way you have coped since you were 5 or 6 it’s just not that easy to switch off. I have lost weight in the past a little over 100lbs in fact and I was happier and I did feel better, but I also had more attention and it made me uncomfortable. At least when people look at me now it’s just because I’m fat, not because they’re thinking sick things. HOLY SHIT I AM FUCKED UP lol. ahh life is a journey isn’t it? I realize what is wrong, but I’m in a place and state of mind where I’m powerless to stop. I hope I can gain control of myself, my mind and my LIFE!!

Wish me luck.