Feeling it…

Everything is ok…I’m fine…everyone is fine for the most part….things are going smoothly…why do I feel lonely?

Why do I feel like I’m at a stand still with life moving around me?…Feel as if no one wants me or cares about me….Does it ever go away?….Am I ever going to wake up one day and just feel completely loved and be totally happy with myself?….In dreams I escape these thoughts and at night I sleep and I am at peace with myself….There’s no thinking too much….no stress about living up to expectations, not set by other people but set inside my brain….nothing to live up to….no one to impress….no love I can’t feel and don’t have….

I can look at myself from the outside….see the imperfections that I can’t fix…I see myself crying sometimes and just looking wishing that I knew what I was crying for….seeing myself as a beautiful person both on the inside and on the outside….I suppose I cry because I feel that no one wants any of me…I know this isn’t true….people tell me they love me….and I don’t believe them….they tell me that I make them happy and laugh….and I see them laughing and I smile…and I still don’t believe them when they say I make them that way….I doubt everything that anyone ever tells me….I do not trust anyone in my life…and probably never will…if I don’t expect much from people I can’t be let down and I can’t get hurt….

So when does it all go away?…When do you stop trying to overcome your past?…Do the thoughts and feeling just stop?…Do you learn to forgive, but never forget without hurting?…

I suppose the answer is that it never goes away, you never stop trying, the thoughts and feeling fade in and out, you do learn to forgive, you never forget, and you will always hurt…