And then…No And Then!

Today was pretty ordinary. Went to work and did the usual Tuesday paperwork, one of my workers came to work complaining that she was "sick" and I just told her to go home because 1. I didn’t want to hear her whine about it all day and 2. IF she really was sick I didn’t want to catch it from her. She was only feeling bad when she wasn’t talking to someone it was a weird illness! lol Oh well all in all it wasn’t a bad day.

Came home and Chris made dinner which was nice of him. Then he got called out on a side job. The $50 extra will be nice. He has been different the past year. He is all about me and I was pretty sure that’s what I wanted, until I got it. He is always wanting to have sex and it just seems weird to me. For all the years that we’ve been together he’s always been the one to push me away when I asked. Told me that I wanted it too much and that I need to quit smothering him about it. So I did. Now it’s the other way around. Although I’m not pursuing it nearly as much as I used to. I guess he just made me feel rejected and like I was a freak because I wanted to be near him and with him so much. I just turned those feelings off, now the question is can I turn them back on? Is it just that easy? I’m just not sure. He asked me if he thought he was still sexy, and I do. Really he’s not changed that much since we’ve been together maybe just a few extra pounds, but that’s to be expected from each partner. I don’t mind that anyway.

He was telling me how he wanted it to be like when we first got together. How we made love 4 or 5 times a day and just loved being with eachother. I want that too. In fact that’s exactly what I was writing about yesterday. Now it seems as though God has looked down upon my heart and sent my wishes to Chris’s heart as well. Maybe that sounds a little weird but 1 day turn around time? That can’t just be a coincidence can it? I guess if we are both wanting the same thing then we are in the same mindset isn’t that what we all wish for. Moving forward with this relationship is scary and rewarding all at the same time. I’m afraid to put myself back on the line. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and just as I’m starting to put it back together I’m supposed wear it on my sleeve again.

I really am bored with how we have been living our lives for the past years. We were at a stand still and didn’t know how to step forward into something different. Now that I’ve made the decision to buy a house even if he can’t be on the title because of his credit it’s been a light at the end of our dull tunnel. He keeps saying when "you" get your house, and I correct him and say "our" house. It bothers me that he thinks it’s not his. We are married for now and what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. It has to be 50/50 or this will never work. Life is starting to turn around and we are just beginning to get things the was we want and I suppose I’m ready to run because I have never had anything stable. What would I do with something like that?

So I’m starting to trust again but I do have the voice in the back of my mind telling me to RUN and don’t ever let him hurt you again. I guess if this is what I choose then I need to put all my effort into it. At least then I can honestly say I tried and put forth everything I have.

SN: I’m watching what’s love got to do with it…love Tina. lol

Well I’m off of here I’ve babbled enough for the night. much love~megs