a need for something more than nothing

ok…well, nothing of real importance going on at the moment, just felt like writing to get some of the crap I’ve been feeling lately out…

I’m feeling rather lonely at the moment…for the past few days I’ve been questioning alot about myself which isn’t unusal right? I’m always thinking WAY too much and never taking any action to change it, but such is life…I’ve been dating alot the past few months which is all fine and good, but nothing ever goes anywhere and it’s starting to get on my nerves…I’ve had a couple guys just tell me how freakin’ great I am and then it never turns into anything, if I was so great wouldn’t it turn into something? So, this leads me to believe that maybe they’re just lying…for what reason I have no clue…*sigh*…I’m just so tired of being alone…that’s all…

I realize that I’m only 22, but all I want is someone to love me…I know I’m not the greatest person in the world and I never claimed to be…I know I’m not as beautiful as some girls…and I don’t have the best personality ever…but I’m far from ugly and I’m not a bitch…so what’s the problem? Why do guys only want me as a fuck? I think I’m worth alot more than that…granted I LOVE sex which probably isn’t helping, but that’s not all I want…something meaningful would be nice…instead of the “oh you’re so great and beautiful, wanna fuck? no?…ok bye” thing..:-(…I’m worth more than that…at least I used to think so…

Alone isn’t so bad at times, but there are nights like this when I’m sitting up awake for no apparent reason and I’m thinking it’d be nice to have someone to spend my sleepless nights with…that when I have a nightmare it’d be good to have someone right there to tell me that it’s not real…so I could lay on their chest and listen to their heart beat while I fall back to sleep…someone to tell me the things that I should already know myself but it’s still nice to hear it from someone else…like I’m beautiful…that I’m worth something…I know that both are true but sometimes I just have to be reminded…that sounds rather dependent doesn’t it? I’m not that kind of person I didn’t think…to rely on other people to tell me things about myself…to help me with my own insecurities…I’m sure everyone has those moments right?…otherwise I’m just screwed up so I’ll just keep believing that everyone else has to be reassured as well…

I’m babbling…………

Ya know…it never used to matter to me whether I had someone or not, I could have cared less…so what has changed from that time up until now? I don’t know…I truly don’t…I used to think I had my friends and that was good enough…that if no one wanted to be with me it didn’t matter…it would happen eventually if it was going to at all..it wasn’t worth worrying about…now it seems as if all I do is worry about someone loving me and it’s just starting to piss me off…I guess the one thing that has changed since then is that my friends seem to have people and I don’t…not that they shouldn’t because I’m glad that they’re happy don’t get me wrong…just I’d like to have it as well…what else has changed…I suppose me…and my need for something more than nothing…

So……………how do I get someone to fall in love with me?? any pointers?? lol…yeah too bad it doesn’t work that way huh…that’d be nice…ahh well, life goes on 🙂

I’m slowly getting the things that I want again so maybe that will follow…I’m going to move out again…going back to school…getting rid of my debt…and who knows what will happen next…at least I can say that this year is a hell of alot better than last year and that’s saying alot, because last year sucked some major donkey ass lol…

I am who I am…and apparently at the moment that’s good enough to wanna fuck, but not to love, I’m sure it will be someday though…

later~megs