11/17/08

Tonight I feel lost alone.  I feel like reaching out for someone to hold me and just tell me that everything is going to be alright.  I don’t have anyone to do that.  I miss that.  I miss feeling like I am wanted and needed.  Appreciated and loved, and I long to just have him reach out for me and just tell me that he loves me. 

He’s too wrapped up in himself. 

Tonight my mom called me and told me that my gma is going to have to go in for another hip replacement.  The same hip she had replaced in May.  When she had a stroke that landed her in a nursing home.  She still hasn’t recovered from the last surgery.  Which is why she has now developed a staph infection in that hip and why she has to have another replacement.  Lovely.  She’s only 67!  Her corrotred? arteries are 40% blocked and she has blood clots in her lungs from sitting around too much and the other surgery.  This isn’t looking very bright for another surgery is it?  No other solution though… 

So as you can imagine the news is upsetting, and when I asked for a little bit of cuddling, this is the response I received, "I’m relaxing right now, can’t you just watch TV and be quiet?", as he lay there reading a fucking magazine…*sigh* 

Yes I can just lay there and watch TV and wonder why in the fuck I continue to stay with such an insensitive asshole who doesn’t seem to appreciate me at all.  I can do that, no problem…

I’m so worried about everything.  Money, his school, my job, my gma, the fact that I have this pain in  my side and I went to the hospital on Wednesday and they said it was a muscle pull, but it still hurts really bad.  Stress kills….I’m sure I’ve taken 3 years off my life in just the past couple of months.  Our anniversary sucked yet again, we never get to do anything b/c we never have any fucking money.  I realize this is a problem for everyone these days.  At least I’m not alone there. 

But I’m longing for an escape…and when I find myself searching for something new it scares me.  Mostly because I find myself wanting a new SOMEONE.  Perhaps someone who actually seems like they can stomach the sight of me, who understand and knows when I’m upset and comforts me.  Someone who even though they may not be rich knows that money isn’t everything and doesn’t get mad when they can’t have a brand new something, like video game, movie, shoes etc…Someone who doesn’t call me lazy just b/c I leave the dishes after I’ve cooked the meal hoping he’ll do them instead.  Someone who thinks I’m sexy and gives into my advances once and awhile…*puts head down*…How embarassed I feel to even think or write about wanting someone else for any of this.  But when I try to talk to him about anything he always gets so defensive and angry.  It’s not worth the fight anymore.

I am so ashamed…