The after effects of “the talk”

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Certainly we’ve all confronted someone once in our lives; whether it’s a lover, a best friend or a family member. A confrontation in all reality is nothing but telling someone the truth about how you feel. So many times, we make up these white lies not because we’re scared or don’t want to tell the truth but it’s to save the other person’s feelings. More and more, I’ve realized that no matter how honest we try to be with each other, we end up lying. That’s why they’re called white lies, they’re small and maybe even insignificant and we only say them because the truth is too harsh to handle. Then we end up in a situation, where all the little lies we’ve told have turned the state of affairs into something that we can’t handle anymore and we end up with this awkward situation – confrontation.

Having “the talk” with someone is something of the similar sort. While I’ve confronted a lot of people in my life, recently more than ever; I’ve never had a relationship confrontation about “the talk” I now know why it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel vulnerable, I’ve put myself out in front of someone who I wasn’t sure was going to take it or leave it. It literally made me feel sick to my stomach. I’m happy that I did it because it makes him aware of where I’m at and where I want to be and who knows maybe that’ll make him look at me another way or think of me another way rather than, here’s this chick who hangs with me, we have a great time, we end up messing around and that’s it. I’m happy I had it because in my head and heart, I feel much better about the whole situation.

However, the day after I spoke with him, I couldn’t help but feel that I had been dumped. My heart felt like it was down on the floor, my eyes were heavy, my inside desperately wanted to escape. Someone told me “This feeling you’re feeling, that’s what love does. It happened because you opened up, you laid yourself out like never before, that’s what you’re feeling.”While it all didn’t make sense to me then, I feel much better today. I’m still confused and I don’t know how to feel. I’ve never been in this grey area before. It’s always been black and white with anyone. We are either together or we are not; it’s never been “go with the flow, see where it goes”

I’m trying my hardest to not lose it, to be patient. To enjoy, to not over think, to not get hung up.

But…I keep thinking of the fact that he got to the point of wanting to marry someone else. I mean, we weren’t together, he was dating her so it’s not like he cheated on me or made me any empty promises but I guess because I want this so bad. That thought just makes me sick to my stomach. If that girl would have stayed with him, he would have been engaged right now or even getting married this year or next. That thought….is disturbing. I know, I shouldn’t think about all this because it’s pointless and useless. He told me he likes me, he’s comfortable with me, he’s going to try with me so I shouldn’t over think it all and ruin it for myself.

I just can’t help but think what if..
..and that what if scares the shit out of me.