Last night

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Somehow I got through the week without him. Resisted the urge to text him, to see him, to think about him and somehow it worked, whatever I was doing. Until last night when he texted me, asking to go on a long bike ride with him. “I won’t get frustrated this time” he added. I was actually over at my friend’s house and decided, I’ll leave there and go with him.

I rode to his house and we set off on our trail. He wouldn’t tell me where we are going; I liked that for some odd reason.  It was nice to just ride with him, talk to him, bonding. I loved it. He took me by where he used to live, told me stories of how it used to be.

Then, we went back to his house and it was about 1am, I was ready to call it quits but he suggested to go eat. I really wasn’t hungry and I had to be home but I couldn’t leave. I never want to leave when I’m with him. So we went out to eat and as we sat down, we continued talking about this or not and somehow the conversation lead to how we are as people, our personalities.

“Go with the flow, I’ve learned to just be who I am and not pretend anymore.” He says
Me: “That’s really good. It’s better that way”
“You know one thing I’ve noticed about you, you don’t ever tell me what you wanna do”
Me: “Well it’s not that I don’t say what I want, I’m just indifferent most of the time to what we do. I have this problem of not speaking up enough for what I want. I’m a people pleaser and that makes me think twice as much about someone else’s feelings over mine. I’m trying and I’m better but I’m not where I want to be.”

It was one of those conversations that was borderline serious, civilized and grown up. We’ve never really had conversations like this before. We referred to how we were in high school and how we’ve changed now.

I like the fact that we have a history, not just from dating but from high school so many years ago. We refer back to that, we reminisce, we can relate because I’ve known him for so long. Although, we weren’t couple like last night, I still felt very connected to him. I thought about the fact that maybe this will end up as just a plain friendship, no attracted, no love, nothing but a pure friendship. While that is not a bad thing, I hope for more. I hope that within that friendship, he can find me and love me for who I am, for how he can talk about video games for an hour to me and I won’t tell him to shut up even though I’m not that interested.

I’ve read, it’s always good to find love based off of friendship because that is everlasting; that has a solid foundation rather than finding friendship from love? I could be wrong but to me, it’s better that way. I’ll gladly be his friend, his closest friend and his lover. This is testing my patience with relationships. This is so different than anything I’ve done before. To wait for the guy to fall for me while I’m already there.. It’s always been black and white; here it’s all grey.

I liked last night. I liked the bike ride at midnight, the cool of the air hitting my face, the boy leading me.