Dad

 I’ve never been open to anyone about this but I feel like I accept it more now. 

In denial, not speaking to others about how I don’t have a relationship with my own dad, I never mentioned him. I never talked about him and if someone asked I’d answer and change the subject. 

Truth is, I do not have a relationship with my dad that a daughter should have. I realize today that I have no room for him in my life. He’s been good to me, he’s gotten me everything I’ve wanted…more when I was younger than now. 

I remember asking for one thing when I was younger and getting two of the same thing, my wish was granted with him. I guess now he doesn’t care. In turn I don’t care. My parents are not divorced or anything, there is a weird dark story to that, that I’m not ready to tell. But they are good, they talk, they’re together and what not. 

My dad  always wanted respect from his kids, intimidation, he almost wanted us to be afraid of him. Never speak out of turn, never speak with a high tone, never talk back, always do what he wants, always listen to him, never get caught in trouble with him. We were scared. As time went on and my siblings grew up, they weren’t scared of him, they talked back when they wanted and what not. 

Me? I’m not scared or intimidated, I’m not at a loss of any connection with him. Right now, he’s oversees and day before yesterday my mom handed me the phone and said "here talk to your dad" I cringed as if I was speaking to that weird aunt in the family that no one likes to talk to, that’s gotten on our nerves or that we really don’t have anything to say. 

I said nothing. I said hello, asked him if he had an app on his phone and after his reply, handed the phone back to mom. 

I’m sad. I’m extremely sad that this is the case and I hope & pray to God to not let my kids father to be that way. I’m jealous of those who have that loving relationship with their dads. I know, I know, I should be thankful I HAVE a dad because no doubt there are those less fortunate than I am in that matter. But does it really count if I hardly talk to him? If he didn’t even know I bought my very first car, if he doesn’t care that I’m struggling in life? Does it matter if I can’t have a conversation with him? I’m at a loss for words and thoughts. 

I know some people will tell me to make that effort, to call and start randomly telling him about my day. He doesn’t care. To be honest. He doesn’t care. and I can’t do that, he’s made this relationship the way it is. I’m not blaming him….or maybe I am but if I was raised this way then how can I be any different?

sigh…I don’t know. I know that I’m not the only one that feels this way, my younger brothers hardly know him. Maybe they’ve hardly seen them, it’s like seeing a relative not a parent. 

I’m heartbroken but I guess at this point, I hope my future husband, the children for my kids shows more to my kids than my father did to me. 

This is probably one of the hardest things to admit, to write or think about. This is probably the first time I’ve thought these things enough to write them down. 

There’s nothing I can do.