Always distracted

 For some reason, I’ve always had guys come in and out of my life every instant of my life. There has not been a time, ever since maybe senior year of high school that I have been completely and utterly single, without a guy in my mind. This makes me sound like a whore but I’m really not. I don’t sleep with people left or right but when I say I’ve never been single, it’s always because of those that are either interested in being with me, in a relationship with me or are "dating" me.

I don’t make sense. 

I also have this bad habit of not saying no, I keep pushing my boundaries and inviting those who don’t necessarily need to be here. Let me clarify, I end up being with several people at a time, whether it’s intimately or just conversational in a manner where I like him or he likes me. 

I’ve had a solid relationship two years ago and I wasn’t with anyone else at that time, just that one guy. Didn’t talk to anyone like that because everyone knew I had a boyfriend and I liked my boyfriend a lot. 

Sometimes I end up being with two people at the same time cause I’m afraid to tell the one guy to fuck off because I’m afraid they will talk shit, so I try to let it down easy and it subsides but it’s a long process. 

I still don’t make sense. 

Now, I’ve realized that by talking to two guys at one time eliminates my desperation of being with the one guy I really, really like. Then I don’t have the urge to call him or be with him or think about him all the time because my mind if also occupied or distracted, rather, with someone else. It keeps me safe, it’s become a technique of not breaking into a million pieces if someone doesn’t call me or talk to me or feel the same way I do. 

Bad, right? Yeah, I know.