Afraid to love – like always

I’m so afraid of love. 

I don’t feel it, I feel it, I don’t feel it… I can’t tell. 

Once again, I’m at a point where love is confusing and I can’t seem to figure out what it really means. I ask people around me and while they joke around with me, they’re convinced I’m in love. 

I’m denying it, like I always have been. I’m not sure what I plan to do with this situation. I’m falling for you, it’s not the crazy obsessive, I need to eat or i’m gonna die, kind of way but a more I love to see you and talk to you kind of way. 

Calm and collected, I look into your eyes, at your smile, at your lips and I feel taken care of and loved. I’ve felt this way before, i’m not gonna pretend like this is the first time but I think for the first time in my life, I’m putting so much into this that I’m scaring myself. 

I catch myself wanting to do so much for you, wanting to say so much to you and I stop it, or I try at least. You say what I hold back most of the time and then I become speechless, not because I have nothing to say but because I don’t wanna say anything else to ruin what you have said. "I want to do everything with you" you said to me the other night. Not only did I smile but my heart was beating so fast, I thought it’d pop out of my chest. 

I’ve been waiting for you. 

I don’t know why, but I’ve been waiting for you, longing for you, wanting to be with you. It seems like a dream to be able to have you and call you mine and I’m trying so hard not to mess it up. 

You know, you’re good to me, you really are. But somewhere in there, you are holding back and I’m afraid of that. You’re holding back who you are and I’m holding back who I am. It’s that 5-15% of ourselves that hasn’t surfaced yet and I’m scared of it more than anything. Because once we stop holding back, it’s either gonna work out or tell us how wrong we are for each other. 

In the end of it all, I’m happy with you. I’m not complaining about anything, I’m just scared. Hard to explain.