disappear

so my friend mariah didn’t tell anyone when she started dating her boyfriend again because she didn’t want to tell everyone when they broke up again either. her and jake have been so back and forth for years now it’s just easier not to tell.

i’m saying this because i think i did the same thing. in my last entry j hadn’t talked to me for days, but eventually he did again, but i didn’t bother to write about the good stuff because i just knew it would be bad again.

and sure enough, last night i spent an hour crying because he felt it was okay to break plans two nights in a row.

now he’s going to new york at 3pm today with benny and bunch of other people and i’m miserable. i think i have anxiety or something at the thought of them being so far away. i felt like this when rhea left too. if they got hurt like jeff did i would just die, especially because i wouldn’t be able to get to them because they’re so far away.

i’m just tired and i have no desire to be at school or studying. plus i have to work tonight.

also, mike texted me last night asking if i really hooked up with josh b. again. ugh. no freaking way, but thanks josh for telling people that. like i’m still 18 years old and completely in love with all those boys. not! definitely not. i’m so mad. and i had plans to vent about it to jeremy of course, but that didn’t happen.

naomi and ely is never going to get finished.

and when i tell ben i don’t know what to do or where to turn to all he can say is he loves me. and it’s supposed to make everything better.

but it doesn’t.