But that story is for another day.

Hey Boss,

I am back. I don’t ever make new years resolutions but here I am, making one like the rest of the world. I am hoping I am not like the rest of the world where I drop off and don’t follow through. Alas. I need to journal again. Consistently. It is good for my soul and I haven’t been on OpenDiary since 2008. Holy crap that is a long time to not be journaling.

I’ll get to the dirty of it. 2024 was a wash. I wasted the whole year on a guy who I thought I could love. I suppose he thought he could love me too but I can’t be certain. We ran away from each other so fast seeing who could outrun each other and leave first. I spent the first half of the year with him. I spent most of the second half of the year being mad at him for not following through on his word. And then the last month of the year being mad at myself for not following through with my own word. I am hoping that I will not live the continuation of this too much longer. I am exhausted with myself.

What is it that Sia sings? “Why can I not conquer love?”

When I had the choice between him and the other one, I chose him and it was a hasty and stupid choice. I chose him because he was an ex from a decade ago, someone who knew me when I was an addict, who knew all my sins and deeds from the past. Despite my three years of sobriety, I chose him in the interest of not taking a risk with someone new. And now, I made a mess, and back to square one. I ask myself all the time, if I went back in time, would I do it the same way? Would I pick the what originally appeared to be the easy route?

Unfortunately I have to say yes to that answer. It is like he brought all the bad parts of me to the surface so I could learn to wring them out. And that I did. I am a better person now because of what we put each other through. Better for my next relationship without a doubt. And I can say for certain that I will take a risk next time and open up to someone that doesn’t know my past. I have to be unafraid to walk on a new path with someone new.

It is looking like I may get another chance with the other one that I did not choose, but I am also afraid that I burned that bridge or caused too much harm to come back from. But that story is for another day.

Love, Hayl