Thoughts R

Today was my long day at work and the only way I can make sure I get up at 3am is to stay up. It actually easier when I close the night before. I’ve got most the inventory in the back figured out now, I don’t don’t have any excuse not do the office work and setting stuff right. Ugh I gotta stop doing just truck.i should go in early tomorrow and spend the day in the office.  I really am starting to think it’s me. I don’t know what I do wrong but I drive everyone away. And I can’t read people for shit any more. I need to stop trying to have a social life. I can’t do “casual” sex. There has to be more for me to let my guard down unless there is more. Hell the last year at least I had to make myself sex with him. To get past all the fucked up shit he said to me just that day, cause it happend every day, to look at him and want him. When we did ya it felt good cause we fit but I had to close my eyes and just parent it wasn’t him. Just hands and organ. And I’d still get the hibijebies randomly some stime have to make him stop. I didn’t think I really had a sex “drive” any more I don’t really now but it’s weird wanting it all after so long of it grossing me out, because 10 minutes B4  he was accusing me of fuck 4 dudes while I was at work.  Or I had just walk in on him doing that sex chat shit or whatever that shits called. Now I’m afraid if I have sex with a guy I’ll be humiliated in some way