Whew!

Unfortunately, I didn’t think about flooding the front page when moving all of my entries here but at least I have all of my stuff here now and I don’t have to try and sum everything up or rewrite it.

So, from where I left off, Joe’s stepson ended up being there a week which meant we didn’t get much time together and no video chat at all which was excruciating. He would call me after dropping the kiddo off at school, sometimes during work and again when he was on his way home…about 10-15 minute phone calls, which isn’t much for us at all but at least it was something. At some point during the week he started calling from home for a few minutes when he went outside to smoke(he doesn’t smoke in the house at all). And by the end of the week he was calling me after he got in bed to say goodnight, tell me he loves me, etc. So, the week took a toll on him as well. By the end of the week I was at my wits end, for a change it was him telling me to have faith in us, etc. After the week ended, we had a candid talk about how things needed to change, and soon. However, Cruella *finally* responded to the letter he gave her and acknowledged that they need to get together to get the divorce filed. Hallelujah! It’s about dang time…I was really starting to lose my patience. He, of course, has been even more sweet and loving…with every step he opens up more and the dynamic shifts for the better. Last night he started to say something a couple of times and stopped himself…he has done this quite a bit but always blows it off, however, last night he states “I need to work on letting go of my fear and say what I want to say.” We talked about that a little and he said a few things: 1) That it wasn’t something bad that he wants to say(I asked if it was, of course). 2) He wasn’t ready to say it. 3) Because once it’s out there, it’s out there. 4) He trusts me, it’s just hard to say things and ‘trust to be caught when he falls’. It is driving me crazy not knowing exactly, for sure, what it is. He tells me all of the time how much he loves me, how amazing I am, etc so I am *guessing* that it may be “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” since that is something he has edged on in ways but has never said. Or I could completely be off base but my instincts say it’s something like that. He has been cautious, for good reason, while I, on the other hand, just dove in the deep end with wild abandon. I guess it would have been more smart to be cautious as well but with our foundation, and how excruciating all these years have been without him, I refuse to hold back and waste any more time just because I am afraid. My fears are strong always overwhelm me but my love for this man is much stronger and will win out every time.

Completely changing the subject, my kiddo has been struggling a lot lately. Partially it has been due to his dad, whom I’ve had a few long and serious talks with. But in general it’s the ASD, SPD and Anxiety that take it’s toll on my little man. My heart aches when I feel helpless and unable to fix the issues he faces. I do everything I can, and then some, of course. Kids with ASD normally have low self-esteem because of their lack of ability in the social world and it causes depression, even more anxiety, etc. I constantly do everything possible to raise his self-esteem, lessen that anxiety and anything else I possibly can. I know anxiety well and it sucks…it is hard to cope with it as an adult(and since I was a child), I can only imagine what it’s like for him with the ASD and SPD weighing him down as well. A couple weeks ago, at McD’s, I ran into the nurse from his pediatricians office that has been there since he was born and we recognized each other but couldn’t figure out where from at first but then I said “It’s your job…where do you work?” and she told me then said “You are the mom with the son that has ASD that I always rave about to everyone. I tell them what an amazing mother that you are, how fantastic you are with him and all that you do!” It was all that I could do not to burst into tears. So many people tell me that but for some reason it was so incredibly touching coming from her. I know that I am a kick ass mom, I do…but I guess I still need to hear it because at times I just feel like I fail and I tend to be an overachiever when it comes to him(which I think every parent should be, to be honest).

Well, I have to go get the kiddo from school in about 1.5hrs to take him to ABA and then I’ll be off to see my therapist….so, I am off for now!