Well, it’s obvious that I don’t follow the writing prompts but “Insecurities” is one from last week that I saw and actually wanted to write about. I have touched on some of my insecurities in earlier entries but my main one is feeling like I am not enough. My others would be my abandonment issues, my anxiety and my self image. I really don’t want to hash out my childhood tonight so I will just sum it up by saying that it was full of neglect, abandonment by both parents and mental abuse. I have been trying really hard for years to work through some of these things and, while I have learned a lot about myself, I haven’t really made much progress. The most progress that I have made has actually been since Joe and I have been back together…he knows me better than anyone in this world, he’s patient with me and he loves me enough to let me work through things. Joe never makes me feel like loving me is hard work…and I can’t say enough about how much that means to me and how much I love him for it…I really hope that I put that in the box of 150 reasons I love him but, either way, I will tell him.

Last night Joe started a letter to Cruella and finished it up tonight. He read it all to me as he went and asked my thoughts, advice, etc. Before bed he asked me if it bothered me that he read the letter to me and such(especially since it touched on how he once felt about her but it also tells her he doesn’t feel like that anymore and the only thing that is going to happen is the divorce). I told him that it didn’t bother me, that the only thing that did bother me was the part about the song(I will explain this later, I don’t want to talk about it right now), and that I was being honest. He told me that is one of the things, then stressed just one of the things, that he loves about me. He gently, and lovingly, mentioned something about me feeling insecure about things even though he’s assured me many times that he isn’t going back to her. It caught me off guard. I told him that it would be a lie if I said it didn’t cross my mind but that the little it did creep up that I would just quell it with the fact that I trust him and that I know he’s very intelligent and wouldn’t fall for her manipulations…I did admit that she was really good at it though and I had feared she would somehow get him to feel/believe that he was to blame somehow, etc. I asked why he thought that and he said he knows me very well and could tell by little things I said or how I said them. I was, again, very honest when I talked to him about it but the more that I have thought about it in the hours since then I have realized it has been more of a fear than I have wanted to admit. My heart knows he wouldn’t but my anxiety gets to my head and makes me doubt my heart. That is my bane. I actually emailed him last night and said that I know that he does love me but asked if he loves me in that way, if he loves me like I love him, if he has the same wants, feelings, desires, beliefs, etc. or if it is all one sided. It’s really hard for me because he is not very vocal about those things and, while all the things he has said should be enough, I just need more assurance right now. I am not used to the situation, I am not used to long distance anymore and he is all I have ever wanted so, understandably, my anxiety is all over the place. I’m so very happy yet more afraid than I have ever been and I am really struggling with it.

Anyhow, I should be sleeping but I can’t stop my mind from spinning. At this point I have to be up in 2.5hrs so I am going to go at least attempt to finally get to sleep.