Today was extremely rough…I knew that I wasn’t feeling 100% better but when you are a mom doing it all on your own then you don’t have a choice, you do what needs to be done for your kiddo! Today consisted of taking the kiddo to school, picking him up, taking him to ABA therapy(he has Autism), going to see my therapist then killing 2hrs before picking him up and coming home. It seems so simple typed out but by the time I got home I felt like a mack truck had hit me. Joe and I talked for awhile but both ended up going to bed at 8:30pm. I woke up at 2:30am and can’t get back to sleep.

Due to winter break my last therapy appointment was 3 weeks ago. I caught Rachel(my therapist) up on all that has been going on…especially the things I have been trying really hard to work on and the things I have been majorly struggling with. I told her about the email to Joe and the fact that he hasn’t directly answered it which really bothers me and she reminded me how he reacts when confronted with deep emotional things, how he brings them up in his own time…she is right and it’s understandable why he does right now, it’s extremely hard for me to feel so vulnerable laying it all out on the table so I can only imagine how hard it is for him at this moment. She brought up all the things he has said and done to give me the reassurance that he does love me very deeply and wants a future together. She also said that he may not be able to give me all the reassurance that I need especially the “I a enough” and it may need to come from myself more. She’s right…and I am working on it. I had so much to catch her up on that I didn’t even mention that the fact that he hasn’t at least given me a simple “Yes, I love you that way” really triggers my fear and makes me want to throw a wall up and run away…even thinking about it brings tears. On one hand I don’t understand why that reassurance is so difficult for him to give me flat out…though he has been much more direct when telling me he loves me and has said it more…maybe he doesn’t even know that I just need to hear it simply like that. On the other hand I don’t understand why I need that so badly because he has said it at least several in the past 4 months in various ways. Maybe I am just too utterly broken and am beyond repair.

Well, it’s 5am now and I have to be up by 7:45am so I am going to go try to get back to sleep so that I will hopefully not feel as sick tomorrow as I did today!