Madness

Well, I have come here several days this past week to write but I have been so torn that I just get frustrated about writing and find something else to do. Joe’s “give me space” words are still stinging even though he did correct himself right away…it really hurt. On Friday I decided to do just that and didn’t text him to say goodmorning like I normally do, nor did I text him during the day but he didn’t text me either. He called me as soon as he got home(before he had even changed out of his work clothes) which made me feel like me actually missed me but then he went on about how proud he was that I made it all day without texting him, he didn’t think I could do it and good job. I asked exactly what is good about me not getting to talk to him at all during the day or even getting to simply say goodmorning. He said that he got a lot of work done…except for when Cruella interrupted his day. Really? It’s *me* that he needs space from? Sure… I know that he is trying to keep the peace with her but it really bothers me that I seem to be getting punished for her crap. It always feel like it’s a double standard with her even with holiday stuff, gifts, etc. He has Skyped me every evening but I haven’t text him at all during the day which he seems completely fine with despite the fact he knows how much it means to me to be able to exchange goodmornings. How is saying goodmorning to the man I love and hearing it back too much to ask? Especially since we have no way of waking up next to each other right now. Am I being unreasonable? Do other people not care about those things? He *has* been even more sweet/loving even though he was already like that a lot(it has increased bit by bit since we got back together) and while it does help it still doesn’t take away the hurt and frustration. Cruella’s drama has ensued, of course…she is still trying to get him back, using her son to try to manipulate him, even texted him goodmorning wishing him a better day(which he ignored) and she even had the gall to ask him out to dinner which he told her there’s no way that is happening. Wtf?! He said he can’t stand talking to her much less being around her and as soon as she asked the first thing he thought was “<myname> would flip her shit!” and I assured him he was very correct that I would have completely lost it. Actually, I didn’t say it but I would have thrown in the towel and walked away though he probably knows it would have pushed me over that edge right now. I feel like I am just at the end of my rope, I’ve tied a knot and I’m struggling to hang on. It would be easier if I could just let go of my fears and let things be. But how do you finally get(well, mostly) the one thing that you have always wanted and then let go of the fear of losing it especially when things trigger those fears like the fact that he’s holding back? I have always known that I am broken but all of this is making me feel like I am way more broken that I even knew. I still want to write that letter on here to him that I have been wanting to since Valentine’s Day but I am just too drained to do so right now…hopefully things will be better after they have the “finalization” talk that they are supposed to have this weekend. I am trying to stay positive about it without getting my hopes up because I don’t want to swallow more disappointment. We’ll see I suppose.