Just Breathe…

I have spent the entire day saying this over and over to myself. At this point I just want my migraine to go away and to crawl into bed. Joe has had an extra rough day that, of course, has plunged me into the deep end it feels like. He called me 3 times today, once at lunch time, once when he ran an errand at work and just a bit ago as soon as he got home he video Skyped for a few minutes before laying down to take a nap for a bit. The summary of the first call was that they are *FINALLY* going to get together next week to discuss the details of the divorce. She was being a drama queen again, as usual, but he stood his ground. I don’t know all of the details yet, he will tell me tonight, but that is the gist of it. The second call was more about how stressed out he is about everything and how he only slept about 2hrs last night and had nightmares. I asked if there was anything I could do and he asked me to give him space. I didn’t respond and couldn’t have if I wanted to because tears immediately started flowing and I was standing in the middle of a store. He quickly corrected himself saying he didn’t mean to actually give him space, that he doesn’t know what he means and then said he means that he just needs me to please be patient with him. I softly said that “giving him space” means to leave him alone. He said that is not at all what he wants. But the sting of the words are still there. And I feel like I have been *extremely* patient. Yes, I have been a bit impatient a few times over the last couple weeks because it has been almost 6 months now, 5 of which we’ve been ‘together’… Is that not being patient? Am I asking too much and being unrealistic? Am I too hard on him? I *know* that the divorce is between him and her but at this point I am involved as well…do I not have the right to want it over with already when there’s no reason for it not to be? Does our relationship mean so little that I either need to shut up an swallow how it makes me feel or to walk away? I am really doubting myself at the moment, as well as other things, and between yesterday and today I am deeply hurting. I told him yesterday how I felt but I have not today and I won’t. Today’s conversation has reduced me to hiding my feelings from him because I don’t want to add to his stress. I just want to scream. Can I contain it well enough so that he won’t see it all over my face tonight on Skype? If there is a downfall of someone knowing you too well, it would be the fact that they know, they always know. Maybe I should just go to bed early and avoid talking to him all together. The next two nights he will be busy with his step-son so we will hardly talk all weekend.

I really wanted to write a really sweet letter to him on here but I don’t have it in me to write anything like that tonight. Deep down I know that everything will be alright, I’ve always known that. But it’s really hard to embrace my faith in it right now. Why can’t something in my life be a bit easier for once? Why do I always have to struggle? Right now I would settle for just not feeling like I’m drowning…is that too much to ask?