Difficult Roads…

Often lead to beautiful destinations. I can only hope and pray that is true with Joe and I. I have been really struggling the last few days and I haven’t even bothered to try to hide it. On Thursday Joe asked a few times if I was ok, what was wrong, etc. I didn’t want to talk about it so I just told him I’d be fine. On Friday I said if he’s avoiding texting/calling because of Cruella then it’s just going to look worse that we’ve completely stopped…he said that it wasn’t because of her then said “well, a little of it may be”…that made me feel worse that it wasn’t just about her so I shut down even more.  It was really bothering him and he got really upset and when I asked why he said it was because I was acting different which made him feel like something was wrong with “us”. I didn’t say anything at first so he went away from the video chat for a smoke break, which I was thankful for because it gave me a moment to think. I decided to just open up and tell him what I was feeling and why. I told him that it started with the conversation the week before where he asked for space and that it really hurt my feelings and confused me because I am 1000 miles away and there’s nothing that I know of that I do that would make him feel that way. I told him being so far away it is hard to feel intimate with him so to be able to tell him good morning and to hear it back meant a lot to me and I don’t text him all day at work so I didn’t understand why that was an issue. I told him then he stopped calling on the phone and just waits until the evening to Skype me…he said he did call earlier that day and I hadn’t picked up and I agreed that he had but one time is a vast difference from what it has been. I told him that when you are giving everything and then some, being so open and vulnerable, etc with someone that is holding back then you eventually put up walls. I also opened up about a few things, like how I cope with not being able to see him right now, etc. On one hand I’m proud that I didn’t break down in tears, I was able to hold them back but on the other hand it concerns me because I always cry no matter how hard I try not to so the fact that I was able to stop it tells me that my walls are pretty thick right now. He didn’t respond to any of it really so I asked him if there was anything he would like to talk about and he said not really. I swallowed that because I know he needs to think about things before he reacts and it’s often a day or even several days later when he responds to things like that. The only thing that he did say is that he was sorry, that he didn’t mean it that way about giving him space and that he is a failure. I told him he isn’t a failure and asked him what did he mean then but he said he didn’t know(which is what he said the day he said it). I could tell it was all bothering him because he was fighting tears so I just left the conversation at that because I can’t make him open up and I am not even going to try to force him to tell me things whether he feels them or not. He told me that they postponed the finalization talk until next weekend and told me the decision was mutual when I asked. It was all I could do to not scream or roll my eyes but I just said “I see.” and let the conversation drop. I knew better than to get my hopes up, I had a feeling that it was going to be postponed. I am not even going to try to guess if it will happen next weekend or not because I am just too frustrated and trying to deal with everything else so I don’t even want to dwell on it. If it happens, great, if not…well…either it will happen eventually or I will give up, completely shut down and walk away.

Today he didn’t call or text but he did video Skype me when he got home as usual. I tried to pull out of my horrible emotional place and I succeeded a little but not much. We talked for about 5hrs. He randomly said little things that he never says… One thing was: Enya came on the playlist and I said I loved the song and love listening to Enya, he said that it’s so nice that we like the same things including music. Another thing was him saying how very lucky he is, I asked why and he said “Because of you. I am so lucky to have you in my life and that you have stuck around. How many other people would have stuck by me? You have been my best friend for all of these years and you never let go. I love you so very much.” and he had to wipe away tears as he was saying it all. I told him thank you and that I love him too…I didn’t know what else to say. He told me how much he wished I was there and how very much he misses me and can’t wait to see me. He also mentioned that he wishes he could fix himself(he’s a fixer, he likes to fix things). I told him he isn’t something that needs to be fixed, that he has a lot of healing to do but that is much different. He thanked me for saying that. The things he said did touch me emotionally but no where near how much they would normally because while it is nice to hear all of these things and I know he genuinely means them, he really needs to prove them at this point and get everything finalized as soon as possible. Part of my emotions are driven by fear and the other by love so I’m constantly battling the fight or flight feeling. I have done quite a bit of reading of posts, articles, etc about dating a man going through a divorce and they all say the same thing, that it is an extremely difficult thing to do and it requires a lot of patience, self esteem, strength, etc. I know that if Joe and I didn’t have the 23yr foundation that we have and if I wasn’t 100% sure of just how much he does love me then I would have already walked away because it’s so hard for me to trust and have faith. However, the question that I ask is, “How much more until I crumble?” Focusing on the future would get me through but all I have for that is an idea of a vacation and a Valentine’s Day card printed with words by someone else that he has yet to actually say to me.

Oh, I also have my fortune cookie that I literally *just* opened while thinking of he and I that says “Your dearest wish will come true.” Here’s to hoping it’s a message to give me just a grain of serenity and faith… I have always said this is my fairy-tale after all and they aren’t all smiles are rainbows throughout the entire story. Maybe it’s my mom looking down on me from above and reaching out a helping hand. Today(February 24th) would have been her 59th birthday. I was talking to Joe tonight about her birthday, how very much I miss her and how much it hurts that she never got to meet my son or him.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You are missed and loved.