Breathe…

The quote above is one of my favorite quotes ever. It is so easy to get lost in the ‘rain’ and let it drag you down. I try to find the good in everything or at the very least find enough good somewhere to balance the bad of something. It helps keep me sane!

Today was a rough one. The weather was horrible…they didn’t cancel school but I called him off anyway because I drive him to and from school and there’s no way I was going to drive in such hazardous conditions. And there was no ABA today, thankfully, so the kiddo and I were able to just stay home bum around the house and order pizza…it was a nice change. I haven’t felt well the last few days like I am relapsing with whatever the crud is that I’ve had since Christmas and today my temp was 100.6…enough to make me feel yucky so it was extra nice to not have to do anything today. The kiddo has a horrible cough back again as well. If this is round 2 of this crap I am going to seriously lose my marbles.

I found out that a friend died night before last. I knew him for many years but he moved about an hour away a couple years ago so we haven’t hung out or talked much but I still considered him a friend. It’s sad to know that he is no longer on this earth making it a better place. He was a gentle bear, so kind, loving, respectful, caring, etc. He will be missed very much. I don’t think the weight of it has fully hit me but it’s there enough that it has been a really sad day. =/

Joe had a rough day at work that started in the morning so he was distant during the day which got to me. He normally calls me on his way home from work but today he waited until he was home, which isn’t a huge deal, but within a few minutes of us talking, right as I had told him I was sick and told him my friend died, his work called and he let me go to take the call and said he’d call me back after…I said ok and just hung up. I lost it. I was hurt and angry. I felt like I am on the bottom of his priority list. The issue is that he is a people pleaser, but knowing that fact doesn’t make it any easier. He tried to call and Skype me a few times and sent me a muppets “Me love you” thing on Skype but I took a long hot bath to calm down and collect my thoughts. He finally texted asking if I’m ok and said he’s starting to get worried. I told him I took a long hot bath, that I’m tired, sick, grieving and trying to chew on another harsh reminder that everything and everyone is always more important that me…and that I was going to bed. He responded and said he was sorry. We texted a few other things and I decided to just call him but his phone is hard to understand so we switched to Skype video chat. We promised each other awhile back that we would never go to sleep upset with each other and as hard as it is, I always do everything in my power to keep my promises. He was really upset, in tears and kept apologizing which melted the anger away immediately. I just calmly told him how some things make me feel and that it doesn’t *always* have to be about me(like it was with Cruella) but that once in awhile I do need it to be about me, that I need to feel important sometimes. He said that I deserve to feel that way all of the time and he is so sorry that he made me feel that way. He was really upset that I texted the quote the “Don’t make someone a priority when you are just an option” and said that I am *NOT* just an option, that he loves me so very much and wants to be with me. I feel like an ass sometimes for feeling that way but sometimes things just make me feel that way. *shrugs* We talked about it all for awhile and he kept telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He said he needs to be a better man. I told him he is an amazing man(which is true) but he said you always try to be better for the one you love. I couldn’t argue with that and it made me feel good that he feels like that. We talked for 3.5hrs, our usual time but normally it’s earlier, he didn’t go to bed until a bit after 12:30am and he has to be up at 5:45am. =/ We talked about a lot of things, he randomly kept telling me he loves me and apologizing even after I told him that we are ok and let’s just move past it. He also said, “Baby?” waited until I looked at him and I said, “Hmmmm?” He said, “You are beautiful.” I don’t know how long I sat there stunned before I got a “Thank you, baby.” to tumble out of my mouth. I paused then softly asked, “Do you realize that is the first time you have ever said that?” I can’t even tell you what his response was because I was still in shock. He always tells me how much he loves me, how amazing I am, how thoughtful/kind/smart/etc but that is the first time he has ever told me that I am beautiful. I was too shocked to even cry and that is saying something for me. He opened up a bit with other stuff saying that he never wants to lose me, he wishes we would have gotten back together all of those years ago(he has said this a few times lately), that he couldn’t even imagine me not being in his life, etc. We were both in tears off and on throughout the entire conversation. Tonight is our version of “fighting”…we are so incredibly different and weird(in a fantastic way) together…we never have your typical fight. That is not to say that we never will fight, because I am sure at one point we may, but in the last 21yrs things like tonight have been our only “fights” and even then it has only been a handful or so(and some of those due to me being too sensitive or my anxiety spinning out of control). Words just can’t express how much I love that man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. That scares me so much. I really hope and pray that he feels the same way because the only other thing I have ever wanted as much in my entire life was to be a mom and God answered that prayer so maybe, just maybe, he will bless me with another.

I am probably missing things in this entry but I am too exhausted to even reread it to make sure. It’s 2am now so I am off to sleep.