6-7-2011

Today was the worst day by far throughout this 6 months of pure misery.  I talked with my husband last night about things, and we kind of got into a disagreement about splitting the house and kids etc…  In the end I think we were settling on some things.  Last night I even told him goodnight.  Today was my son’s game and we always get into it then because my son hates baseball, but my husband signed him up again this year anyways.  I went along with it, but did not agree with forcing him to play.  He has thrown a fit every single game and my husband gets so angry and blows up almost every time.  Not including he blames me when my son does not get ready.  Today he blew up again.  I was trying to make my son get ready, but he was crying and throwing a fit, so my husband goes and makes it worse by yelling and cursing at him.  Saying "You need to whip his a.." "It’s your fault that he doesn’t want to play" "You need to make him get ready, since you don’t like the way I do it" etc…  He told my son that he was a quitter and a lazy a… I am sorry, but yelling and cursing a child and putting them down is not my way of making him listen.  I even told my husband to just stand him in he corner instead of yelling, but he kept yelling and my son was already balling his eyes out.  I finally told my husband that if you yelled or cursed him one more time, then it was not worth it to go through this again, and I wasn’t going to make him play anymore.  My husband started cursing and yelling again, so I said "That’s it, he is not playing and I am not going through this again"  My husband was furious at this point, and charged me.  At that point I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me or what.  Instead he went to hit the wall and put a hole in it.  We had a hole in our wall, but my husband put puddy on it already.  My oldest saw the whole thing and I told him to come on we are leaving, and went to the car.  When he never came out I knew my husband said something to keep him there.  I found out later that my husband was crying and told him not to leave him or he would be alone.  I waited outside and then went back in to get my son, but my husband said he did not want to go with me.  My son was locked in his room and would not open the door.  i finally got in to talk with him and he said he just wanted us to sit on the couch and talk.  We both knew that was not going to happen.  My husband continued to say that I pushed his buttons and it was my fault he got so mad.  I told him that is what an abusive husband say’s to his wife after he hits her.  Same thing, verbal or physical.  It all hurts!   He also said I manipulated my kids against him.  I am the one trying to keep the peace here…I am the one telling them to listen, so how again am I making them against him? I finally left and told my son to call me with a text message.  Later I went to pick him up also.  My husband kept calling me several times, liek he always does when he is quilty but won’t admit it.  He continued to say it was my fault and I told him he needed help…anger management classes or something.  He also told me there was a little hope, but not anymore.  I told him I don’t have any…how can I have hope with someone that puts me down daily in front of my kids and has done so many hurtful things for 6 months without an apology.  I feel like his foot is holding me on the ground and I can’t get up.  He also told let’s file for divorce tomorrow.  Honestly, I feel sorry for him.  I don’t know where all this anger is coming from though it hurts he is not aplogizing or that he is saying it is my fault.  I guess if he can’t control his anger around me anymore, then it is probably better to walk away at this point.  I don’t know what else to do anymore.  My husband obviously hates me to the core.