5-27-2011

Yesterday when I got home from my job session, I called my husband to see where everyone was.  My husband keeps playing these games and said he does not know where the kids are.  I was getting frustrated as he kept saying my youngest walked to my sister’s house and my oldest was at his friends.  I finally said, "Stop playing and tell me where they are!"  He told me he dropped my son off at my sisters so he could go work out.  My question is, "Why is he going to work out when I am not there?"  Why not go work out after I am home and when you don’t have to keep leaving your kids?  I am so frustrated that I cannot trust him to be there for my kids, because he is more concerned with his looks.  I got home around 6:30, my youngest said he dropped him off at 6:20 and he did not get home until around 8:40…hmmm?  He did stop and get a few groceries, but still, I don’t want my kids on his time left alone until close to bedtime and I know he would do it everyday just to tick me off. 

I realized yesterday after talking with my sister, that it is not enough that he is divorcing me and it is killing me inside, but he has this nasty attitude towards me also where he has nothing nice to say, ignores me, avoid’s me, doesn’t help out much, and breaks promises.  Of course, a lot of this he has done throughout our whole marriage, but it is ten times worse now.  I have gotten to the point that I am letting it all go, so I avoid him also, and I don’t text or email anymore.  I know it is over, and I think I am somewhat getting some peace about it.  Do I really want to be with someone that talks me down, and never wants to be around me?  I look forward to someday having someone buy me something again, take me on a date, and want to actually listen and spend time with me.  I am just concerned that I will never have that trust again.  I feel so broken and damaged from all of this.  I can’t even listen to sad love songs anymore, because they hurt too much.  When I watched my son walk up to school for his last day today, I thought about how this may affect them.  I was sad that they have to grow up without  a family and stable home.  I know what they are going through and will in the future.  Their dad has no concern for this, but only for his own quick flings and freedom.  Sickning!