5-24-2011
It has been really hard these last several months, but the hardest I am sure is yet to come. I am realizing that I am the only one suffering from his decision to divorce me. I read how some people are happy with their divorce decision, but I can’t help thinking about the people that are not happy. The one’s that say they do regret divorce. I think they know if the person filing for the divorce would have just said "Ok, I will try also", then their marriage possibly could have been saved. Even through the fighting and the pain he has caused, the lack of communication on his part, and the rude remarks I get–I still have hope our marriage could be turned around. The problem is he may never change. It is a chance I take! Will he always ridicule me for how many times I get sick, yell over a accidental scratch on the floor, or roll his eyes to a text message I sent about my feelings because it is my only way of communication with him. I know I should not want to be in a marriage where I am doormat, but it is convincing myself of that. I only see our kid’s pain, and I know the pain in my gut I feel, when i know we will never see each other again as husband and wife. I have panic attacks daily now and feel so sick to my stomach, that I litterally feel like I am going ot throw up. Am I just hanging on because he is all I know? Am I just hanging on because he has been my support and reason for living for the past 14 years? Then there is the thought of "Will I ever be good enough" ,"Will I ever have someone sit in church with me again","Will I ever have peace of mind knowing I am loved for who God made me?"
To think of being away from my kids every other week, for the rest of their lives is killing me. How is this good for all of us again? Even if we did find someone else, there is the problems of having the kids approve and get along with this new love, and being jealous of the other partner your ex so desirably seeks to please all of a sudden. All along, in the back of your mind you are thinking, "Why did he never love me like that?" , "Why was I, his wife of 14 years not good enough, but this new stranger gets all of his love?" I wanted another child, but yet he can go out and have another child with someone else. It’s all evil and revengeful the way he is doing me, and I do believe what comes around goes around. I think about trying to make it on my own and struggling financially as a single parent, all with pain in my heart. Trying to survive this death, which is a fitting word for whole ordeal. I feel death everytime I try to pretend like everything is ok, and my husband is happy with the end of our marriage because he is in control, but when that control is over…Will he also feel the reprocussions of his decision? Will God make him suffer like I am suffering one day?
The only way someone could be happy with a divorce decision is if they didn’t enter the marriage fully in the first place. There’s nothing good about divorce itself, but sometimes it’s the only escape from a marriage that isn’t functioning as God intended. Just a shame that it only takes one partner to make that happen…
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