5-18-2011

Today I am writing for the first time about my marriage of 14 years and how everything keeps going wrong.  I wish I would have known about this online diary several years ago, because I really like/needed to express my feelings.  I want to just get you caught up on what’s been going on, and then I will just blog daily.  Been married for 14 years and husband never really did respect me.  He is the type that always gets his way and you are never good enough.  He is critical and I have been put down for several years.  He has been verbally abusive, but would never admit it.  Lately though, My husband has decided to leave me.  It has actually been 6 months that we have really had much contact.  No Love, Touch, or communication anymore.  I have been lonely and depressed thinking every emotion possible.  I understand if my husband thinks our marriage is over, but I don’t understand why he has been so mean in the process.  Why is he leaving me,…because I decided to not do what he say’s anymore.  I am no longer happy living my life to please him when nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough.  I like who I am, but apparently he doesn’t.  What I don’t get is why he comes home in a good mood knowing I am upset about the divorce.  I am more upset that my family is over, that I invested 14 years, then getting away from him.  He is just that mean.  However, I also have kids and do not want to be away from them.  We were both christians when we met, but I question if he is a christian anymore.  He stopped going to church a couple of years ago and shows no signs of the Fruits of the spirit.  Doesn’t read his bible or even talk about God.  I am not sure, honestly.

Today, I came home again to a messy house while I am working a very stressful temp job that I took because I quit my last job.  I hated it and I think my husband wants to leave me because of that on top of him not wanting kids and I do.  We also argue a lot, but that is due to him never wanting to communicate with me or listen to me.  The past several weeks he has been hanging up on me and getting off the phone really quickly.  It is very upsetting, as it is disrespectful.  I am trying to discuss our kids and he keeps hanging up on me.  My husband should be helping me out with house choirs, kids etc…he hardly ever does anything and because of the neglect I am too depressed to do much anything myself.  I hurt deeply because I don’t understand how a husband of 14 years could just turn on me.  I pray daily and God hasn’t answered any of my prayers yet.  I am confused about everything in life and its all because of the pain I deal with.  I am trying to be strong for my kids but it is hard.  Yesterday I was called "Lazy" again.  Depressed maybe, but not lazy.   God if you can hear my cry, I just want to move forward and get out of this misery.  There is no love in my home anymore, and I am tired of feeling not wanted.  Please help me God!