Okay… So…*E*2

 

 

 This was posted on my Widows board… And I couldnt agree more. *Smiles* 

Fuck this
Fuck that
Fuck the Holidays

Fuck his Family and the Fucking horse they rode in on
Fuck his bitter old mother Who blames me for his death!

Fuck his 53 yr old sister who still lives with mommy and daddy–and who judges me–fuck you, you fucking I used to eat p*ssy bitch! Fuck you

Fuck all his "friends" who never called to check on his/our kids.
Fuck his "friends" who he hadn’t talked to in over 5 years–who claim to be his best friends–Fuck you

Fuck his grown daughter–who is all about money–FUCK YOU!

Fuck the next person that tells me to stay strong
Fuck the next person who tells me "you can do this." "You have to." No shit, mother fucker–Oh yeah, Fuck you, too!

Fuck , fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck–fuck me, fuck you!

Fuck all my married friends who feel the need to discuss their sex life with me–Fuck you

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK and Fuck some more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 Fuck the holidays and being without him.
Fuck losing the one person in the world that understood me, and still liked me.
Fuck trying to stay strong for my daughter, I love her and all, but damn, fuck it.
Fuck having car troubles and knowing nothing about cars.
Fuck every damn song and movie that reminds me that I am ALONE.
Fuck online dating that sucks. Fuck the guys that come on strong and then disappear
Fuck having to even enter this shitty dating world again because I am fucking fucking scared and tired of being alone.
FUCK FUCK FUCK wondering if one person can have 2 soulmates and FUCK FUCK FUCK having to even think that thought because I had my soulmate and GOD FUCKING TOOK HIM FROM ME!
Fuck cleaning my room and having to dust an urn that holds my heart and soul…fuckit fuckit fuckit…

Thank you, I feel oddly better now

 

 

 I do feel a little better today. I mainly had to vent that crap out of my system. I cried, I vented.

Now, like I have found myself explaining time and time again, its not so much the fact that he pulled that stunt with me that hurt… (If this makes sense). It was more it was what Felix did to me during his last two years. Including the line he never loved me. It struck such a cord, because of what Felix had done/ said to me… And it brought back that pain.

You see, in reality, I know I am not ready to date again, not yet. I know this, and I am okay with this. I want my Felix back, my OLD Felix. Not Tony, the man as he died. And the thing is, I might be looking for someone to hang out with, relax with, get to know, I do not wish for LOVE the way many would see it. I wish for acceptance, and friendship, someone who can help me on my darkest of days and learn with me. And help me grow out of this pain. I know it will not be over night. I know this. I also know my pain is what hinders me.

I know that a lot of people like to use the line "When you stop looking for love love will find you". The thing is I am not looking for any love. I am looking for the love I had when I met Felix the wonderful, amazing, incredible spark we used to share. And I know I cannot go around compairing all men to him (Felix) because no one will match up to my memories of him from the past. But, I also know, that in time, it will be nice to move forward, for me to have adult companionship. To have someone to help me with James, and help me with the pain of my heart, and hold my hand through my health issues.

I know, in due time, I will find someone. Im in no rush. Like I said, the biggest thing was Rich hurt more because of what Felix used to say- and I kid you not, it was exactly the same words.

Im just at a loss lately. I believed, foolishly, that life would get easier once Felix died. How naive I was.

Onto the issue of the car. We still have no exact idea. I am praying my mecha

nic can have it fixed come tomorrow…. *crosses my fingers* He went out and bought a book on Outbacks specifically, to try and pin point the issue.

Personally, I just want to cry. I do not have the money to fix this, I dont. I barely have the money to make ends meet for James and I, and its only going to get worse before it gets better.

Hum… what else…. The tramadol kicks my ass. I am susposed to take 100 mg every 8 hours… I am only taking it at night, because it knocks me out so hard.

I missed my first class back at school today. *sighs* That made me almost sick to my stomach. However. I do know it will be a easy class, and I am looking at testing out, so that I can cut down on classes, and how long it will take me to graduate this round….

I have two AA’s Im going for. The first one in Medical Assisting. The second, will be for my RN. So, you see, I do have a goal here.

I do have a apt with SS Disability on Friday the 25th. This will be the make or break of my case… So, Im taking all my medical documents in, and praying that this Dr agrees with my others.

Anyways. *Sighs* Im going to try and see if Angie will take me and James to get him to school tomorrow, and then again on Thurs…. That way he can have his normalacy back. Maybe by Thurs I can have my car back… I keep hoping for tomorrow….

Oh, and people do say the stupidist things to someone greiving. I must say, I thought I had heard it all…. My new favs are the people who try and "one up" someone on their loss. No two losses are the same, and esp when it comes to a friend vs a husband. There is a large difference, and my dear K needs to learn that, soon, before I hurt her.

Other then all this… I know I will survive. I just… get tired of cliche sayings… Like, "If you stop looking for love, love will find you" and "It has to get worse before it gets better", or "Just hang in there, I know your pain."

I doubt anyone truly knows how it feels to be in my shoes right now…and I wouldnt want anyone to. I DO know however I have some very true, very wonderful friends on here, and thats all I truly need. I couldnt ask for more, with you wonderful friends out here in OD land. *HUGE HUGS to all of you*

**EDIT** 

The car wont be fixed until Fri at the earliest. Its going to cost $2500. *Sigh*