NoJoMo #3

This is my Felix’s grave marker. Finally, it came in. However, as you see, they havent put it offically in yet. But thats beside the point. The pic they have on there, is not the Felix I remember.

THAT is the Felix I remember. Damnit… I miss him. RIP honey…..

This is grandma Roses’s. They havent put her date of death on there, but its her and her husbands, Felix, who my husband was named after. Grandpa Felix died in 1996. Grandma Rose died the same day as Felix did, 6 hours after I found his body.

*hugs* It’s perfectly understandable for you to miss Felix. You two look great in the picture; I can see how happy you two were. It’s so hard to lose those you love. *hugs* Love you Mandi. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. Much love & many hugs.

*HUGS* Every time I see that picture of the two of you, it makes my heart hurt for you, Amanda. You two were so very happy and in love back then. You can just SEE it. *severe frown* Rest in peace, Felix. And grandma Rose too… God rest both their souls. *HUGS*

ryn: I feel a little insecure because our relationship developed fast. Like within a week or two of our getting to know each other better online. He made it clear he was interested & I felt a strong connection to him, so we dated. Then we met in person and I wasn’t attracted to him physically, but that went away as time passed. I’d also told him before that I’d never tried a certain physical activity (it made me uneasy) but he said I’d enjoy it with him. I was a little put off by his not listening, but later we did try it & I ended up liking it. He was staying at a hotel and he wanted me to stay w/ him overnight that weekend. I considered it, but I chose not to b/c we’d just met & he was only paying for a one-person room. I figured we’d get in trouble if I stayed w/out paying. When I told him I wanted to go home, he cried a little, which I found odd. All weekend he pressured me a little into staying w/ him & I chose not to. He didn’t complain after that & when he came back in Sept. I stayed w/ him & we got along great. Once I asked him how he would’ve reacted if I’d told him early on that I just wanted friendship. He said “it would’ve been really hard”…

& that if I’d changed my mind he would’ve had a hard time accepting it (he said he’d “wonder if he was a backup plan”). However he also said that he wanted me to know he loved me & didn’t want to rush anything. I know I’m all over the place with this…sorry. Plus I don’t know if we’re altogether compatible. We’ve discussed marriage (b/c we love each other) but we’re still just trying to make our relationship work & be able to live in the same area, & it’s hard. So many things need to be figured out & I feel bad that I haven’t met his family yet (b/c of financial reasons) & he’s met mine already. I feel like he is putting in so much effort & I am not doing enough (though he says I am). One thing we discussed was maybe having kids sometime. He wants kids badly & for good reason, but I don’t know if I do. I love my nephews but I’m kind of burned out on taking care of them. I’m not too keen on the idea of spending years taking care of hypothetical kids. I would never want to deprive Red of having kids nor would I want my hypothetical ones to feel like I didn’t care about them. Plus there’s the issue of the kind of wedding we want, where we want to live, etc.

*hugs*

I’m not as inspired to write creatively like I was when I was in love w/ other guys so I feel kinda bad about that too. Red loves anything I write & always encourages me to write more. I just wish I could go back to writing flowery things like I once did. I’m probably making a big deal over nothing. Like I said before, Red is an amazing guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him, but he onlywants to be with me & he shows that every day. He cares about me deeply & I have no doubt of that. I love him too but these doubts crop up now & again (more so lately) & I’m not sure whether to just brush all this aside or not. Thanks for reading & for being here for me. I appreciate it. *hugs* Love you. You’re in my thoughts & prayers. Much love & many hugs.

*hugs* Thank you for your note. My boyfriend called earlier and we had a brief conversation. I told him I wanted to back off from the relationship a bit and take things slowly. I explained that I felt overwhelmed by how fast our relationship developed as well as all the plans we were making. He said “Just because our relationship developed fast doesn’t mean it’s not true” and that our plans are not set in stone. When I told him I wanted to take things one day at a time instead, he was understanding and he appreciated my honesty. I still love him and want to be with him, and he said the same about me. We’re going to talk this weekend and hopefully we’ll discuss this more. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you again for your support. *hugs you* You’re in my thoughts & prayers. Love you. Much love & many hugs.