NoJoMo #1

"If I knew then, what I know now"

What’s something that happened in the past that you wish you would have known, or wish you had some sort of perspective on as or before it happened?

Heh. You all probably know where Im about to go with this, and if so, just bear with me. This is my therapy, my way of getting it out of my system…

If i knew then, what I know now, I wouldnt have left Felix home alone the day of his death. He knew he was going to die, that has been proven time and time again… And, silly me, just walked out.. I know, I know… he said so many times before that dreadful day, that he was going to die, and I always brushed it off. And, that morning, the look in his eyes was so afraid… He was scared of what was to come. He knew it was coming, and he was afraid to die.. afraid of everything. And, if I would have known then what I know now, I would have stayed home, to comfort, hold him, and tell him I loved him, one last time, so that he didnt die, alone and scared. I would have tried to make his final few minutes as comforting as possible… even though I know there was nothing I could do to change the fact that he was actually going to die that morning.

I would have told him I loved him more, instead of the hateful words, that I hated him, and wished he would die, put him out of his misery… and mine.

If I would have known then… things would have gone down differently. The threat of divorce wouldnt have been so heavy on my mind… nor the pain and guilt I have suffered every night since.

Oh, if I only knew then what I know now…..