NJM 26 POINTLESS NyQuil entry

Happy Turkey Day all.

Today was hard for me, in several aspects.Mainly, this was the first major holiday without Felix. Without grandma Rose. Without.. my sanity.

This is the first of many "firsts" to come. Christmas, New Years Eve, James’s first day of preschool, then kindergarten… And yet, all while, I wont have the one man who should be here, here.

It just, tugs at my heart strings…

And I sit here, and watch so many bitch and fight today with their S.O, or their loved ones… and I sit here, and watch others bitch about how lonely they are… And yet… While I hate being alone… there is so much more to it then that for me. And Im simply sick of listening to everyone else bitch, whine, moan… and not ever once know how HARD this year has been on me…

And before you try and go there, Im not saying any of you havent had it rough, no. But be thankful for what you DO have, the people you have around you. Today, sitting there with my family, I couldnt help but notice the empty place for Felix, or the lacking phone call from his mom… or anyone else in that family for that matter….

I take that back. Lori, the SIL, did contact me today to tell me Happy Turkey Day… and that she was recovering from a csection. *rolls my eyes* No one tells me anything… I know my place in that family, I dont know why I let myself believe this time would be any better, now that Felix was gone… But, whatever.

I sit here, and listen to AH bitch, because Im trying to be a good friend, but the negitivity is getting to me.. and Im trying to stay positive. I have enough bad things in my life right now… My BP yesterday was sky high. The Bronchitis isnt resloving. Another friend is dead… And my heart… my heart is broken. Torn. Hurting. For as much loss as I have suffered, and still manage to smile… somehow… it amazes me, still.

I just dont understand how so many people can do the things they do, like lie, cheat or hurt their loved ones, or how so many can complain, while still young, and have their health… and yet, I still dont know if I will wake up tomorrow… or if I will recovery from the illnesses… since they all seem to come in one major bit…

I know we have gone over this before. But this year? Instead of fighting about something small, or being angry about this thing or that… Do me a simple favor? Try and smile, hug your loved ones for me, and tell them you love them. Because, you may never know about tomorrow… I didnt. And I regret it, every simple day of my life. What I wouldnt give to say I was sorry, or I loved him, one more time… And, what I wouldnt give to know that tomorrow, I just might wake up…

Stop worryng about the petty stuff. Stop fighting about the small stuff. Stop being angry over stupid shit.

Just make it through today, and tell them you love them when its done.

I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my son. I am thankful for the life I did get with Felix, no matter how bad it got.. and I am thankful for the chance to wake up this am, because I know that I very well might not wake tomorrow….

*Sighs* Sorry, Nyquil induced entry… went no where with this…