I pray you enough

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

 

My friends. I come here today, heavy heart, busy mind, fear coursing through my veins. In two days, I have the angiogram. While it is a routine procedure, they are putting me under, which I have had adverse reactions to in the past, and with the current rate of strokes, I fear I might have had another one, and not yet brought it to light. However, unless there is a major event, like my speech slurring, then I don’t notice it fully, and otherwise think it’s my back messing up, which causes the numbness and such. On Monday, I hope to find out the results of the blood test from Thurs, as well as the Ultra Sound from Friday. And with those two things, I am hoping to have some answers.

Aside from the health issues, that worry me, I have been thinking about the guy I mentioned the other night in my entry. Nathen. He is a horribly sweet man.  Very sweet. Very genuine. But…in that, I’m still nervous. I had finally become comfortable with being alone.  I was okay with not having anyone in my life. I was okay with knowing that was the way it was going to be awhile, at least until I got the health matter under control. And then, came Nathen. Which wouldn’t be a issue, not at all, if Billy hadn’t appeared at the same time.

See, Nathen is shorter than me, which is my one thing I could see being a turn off. Other than that, Nathen and Billy are the same men. Very sweet, romantic, both have REALLY good jobs. The other major difference, is Billy lives in TX, but travels, a lot, which is how we met. He’s 6’5” though. Nathen is 5’9”.  That’s the main difference, and their work. LOL.

Yes, I am playing it one step at a time, keeping both of them around until I can make a full decision. But, that confuses me just as much, because I don’t like playing them, waiting on my heart/ mind to make a decision.

Anyways. Switching subjects, again.

This month, paycheck wise, will be a breeze. I found

out yesterday, or two days ago?, that I only have to pay $100 in rent, due to Angie moving in here. Which is really funny to me. But it works. So, I got $400 for her referral. Made my day. Will make things a lot easier.

For those who asked on my last serious entry. Yes, I did have people say things to me like that. And yes, I have a tendency to freak out, and think the worst. However. When you are delivered the news I was, it does that to you. Esp since I have medical background, and know how these things work. It just scares me, big time. I know, I have said all this several times here.  But it bothers me. Seriously. My “friends” like Erik make comments like that, and it makes me want to be sick. How are you a friend, and say things like that to me. I need support. I need someone to tell me they will be there for me, hold my hand through these procedures, or sit with me when I’m really not well, or hold me when I cry. Which, I have been doing a lot of lately. I’m terrified this isn’t going to get better. Like I said, I worry that I have had another stroke already. I worry that one day this is going to paralyze me. I worry that I will not be able to care for James. I’m scared, that I’m going to be a burden on someone. I’m scared someone will end up taking care of me. Im scared, because this has been going on since high school., and no one has caught it until now, 11 years. 11 years I have been having this happen, and no one knew, or treated. That, to me, is scary. It’s not like I was in a car accident that caused this to start, or any other accident. This was laying in wait, for the right time, to make its appearance.

Anyways. Ill shut up now. I guess Im just frusterated, because my grandma is acting like if she prays hard enough, this will go away, or my “friends” who act like I’m over reacting.

*shakes my head*

Okay, I gotta run and finish this later….A friend is on her way to get James and I so we can get out of the house for awhile. Thank you all for your love and support here.

I pray you enough.

 

 

 

 

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