Dont tell me/ Stuck by a rose, you learn

So, apparently, Im not allowed to be over my dead husband. How ironic.

Which, is even funnier, in spite of the person who told me this, since she left her husband, and less then 48 hours later, had a new boyfriend. Or toy. Whatever you want to call the poor bastard.

Ugh.

So, Im finally able, this morning in fact, to let go of everything. I don’t know what, why, or how. But I did. I was able to let go, and realize, its done, and nothing I can do will or could change it, and I should let go. Just like that. My heart healed over night, about the whole mess.

I don’t know why it changed all the sudden. But it did. And I feel great for it. In spite of lack of sleep. Now, I know there will be times where I hurt, times where I miss him… but that is to be expected.

But, I am tired of people trying to dictate my love life (or lack thereof), or my personal life, what little I do have.

Im tired of being treated like Im a fragile 3 year old. Im tired of being told not to do this, or that, because it will get me hurt. When, in reality, isn’t hurt a part of life? Isnt that how you know you’re alive? Isnt that how… you FEEL?

Yeah, I thought so. Pain is a way of learning. As a child, you touch the hot stove, you get burned, you didn’t do it again.

Hence, my theory on love. I keep trying, because, if I don’t, I wont learn, and I wont find what Im looking for. You don’t find your lost _________ by just standing around, wishing it would appear in your hands magically.

Just like you don’t sit back, and wait for the one thing you want most in life. Which, in my case, is true love.

I am tired. I am tired of being told how I should have, could have, probably would have, done something different about my marriage. Or his death. Because, it doesn’t matter.

He is dead. And for once… Im finding my smile back, in knowing that things will be fine. For once. I am comforterable about coming home with just my son and I.

For once.

All I want, for once, is to be truly loved, without conditions. Without reservations. Without… without someone changing so drastically, or leaving me behind, to hurt, for a year….

But, now, that chapter has closed. And I am able to move on. Bring it on life, as I am excited for the pains, the changes, the turns you have in store for me.

For once, I have decided, not to sit back and wait, but to do what I do best. Go out, explore, and find what I am looking for.

True love.

Don’t tell me how to live, or what to do, or not do. Don’t tell me I am not over him, because simply, for once, I can smile and say…

I am.