One of the worst days of my life

Since this is my first entry, I thought: “I might have to give an introduction to myself”…. but I really don’t give a shit, so I’m not going to. I’m so high right now and the situation is so complicated that I don’t even know if I want to do this, but I’ll give it a try.

Imagine you like someone. You like everything about them and are fascinated by them… But there are 2 problems. First, they said they don’t like you in the same way. Second, they don’t show any emotional investment in the situation. The second problem is even worse. It’s the perfect environment to culminate an infestation of thoughts in my mind that will probably torture me for many many days to come. But, of course, I didn’t realise. And so into the hole I went.

A few weeks have passed since I started speaking with him. And today, I’d had enough. Enough of being blind and not knowing the truth. Enough of the manipulation and gaslighting. So I said it very clearly: “I would want you to block me after this conversation, for my own wellbeing. You seem to not show any emotional response to this situation. I feel like you’re hiding your intentions and that there’s something you’re keeping from me. I think I deserve the truth. Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

Their response was pretty clear, but, as always, inconclusive: “I’ve already told you that I don’t like you. I’m not gay, and If I were, you wouldn’t even be my type. I don’t see why you expect me to feel uncomfortable about the situation.”

My question is: Is he a fucking robot, or does he really have some true intentions behind his actions? The most probable reason behind what he’s doing is that he’s trying to make me realise and see how much I hate myself, but that would imply some sort of care.

I’ve been suffering too much about this situation, and I am obsessed with this problem. I feel like I need to fix it in order to give myself a break. I’m being consumed by this.