SH-ing, strange

I’m weak.

I have no determination.

No self motivation.

I wasn’t going to cut…but i was watching The Peep Show

one of the main characters was carving a woman’s name into his arm coz he wanted her to notice and take care of him.

it showed him doing it.

i couldnt help it.

it felt so strange.

i’ve never felt like that before.

i needed to.

i needed to…

the strange thing is, i cut my arm.

i never cut on my arms

but what was really strange is that it felt…

right. somehow.

whenever i react to a situation

i always feel like im forcing myself.

either making myself overreact or not puttingi n enough effort…somehow.

but it felt like this was the right way to deal with it

but

it isnt!!

urgh…

i dunno

it wasnt serious

i managed to stop myself after a couple of minutes.

no serious cuts.

i just decided i wasnt doing it.

i turned off tv

took out contacts

turned off light

laid down

and…

didn’t sleep.

lol

urgh.

 i suck.