Repeat : Jason Issues

I don’t like being online anymore. I don’t like it. And I don’t like being with Jason. I…I guess I never really admitted it before but there’s something missing between me and Jason. It’s stupid but the thing that made me really admit it properly to myself. Or, at least, realise what I’ve been feeling all along, was watching Home and Away. Hayley and Kim got together. And they liked each other but there was just something missing. A spark. And I don’t feel a spark between me and Jason. I love him  but…I don’t know whether I just love him as a person not as…part of myself. Irene said to Hayley (you guys probably don’t watch Home and Away but..meh) that it was unfair for Hayley to lead Kim on and that she should break up with him if she doesn’t feel like she wants to be with him. And, I don’t feel like I want to be with him. *sighs very dramatically* big difference in that Kim felt the same way. He preferred being friends with Hayley even though he really liked her. Jason…is a different story. I want to believe that he likes me as a girlfriend. I don’t want it to be true because it will make things harder but it would be a nice thing (I know I’m contradicting myself…but…what I mean is, everyone likes to be loved) but I get the feeling that Jason likes me. But, he likes me because he’s not really close to anyone. He doesn’t talk to his friends. He’s very shy. And, I guess, I’m good with shy people lol. Seriously, I love making friends with shy people because I love to make people feel good about themselves. I love the fact that he can be confident around me (OK, not all the time but…it’s nice when it does happen) and I loved to see Charlie start to be bold (he was shy when I first got with him) and I love my friend Hayley making jokes and being silly with us girls (she is so shy you would not believe). And I started to think that’s why I went for Jason. It’s not that I really wanted him as a boyfriend. It’s more like it was a challenge for me. A challenge tomake him feel good about himself. Or maybe I go for shy people becausethat gives me an excuse to forget my insecurities and act confident. I’m not a confident person. and I feel uncomfortable when I go out with my drinking friends because they are all so loud and bold and confident and really proud of who they are. And I’m not. I guess being with shy people lets me be that bold confident girl I want to be because I know that shy people don’t have the ability to put all those things behind them and show off who they are and get things done and get what they want. I don’t even know if this is making any sense. I feel like I’m repeatedly contradicting myself. And I don’t like that.

I started this entry talking about not liking being online. And I very quickly changed subjects. I guess that’s showing just how much this is on my mind. I fee bad. But, as Irene said (and i know it’s stupid to take advice from soaps) it’s not fair to lead him on and let him believe I feel something that I don’t. I thought I did feel it. But, I don’t. And that hurts and it’s going to hurt him. It’s not even only this. The reasons I had for breaking him with him last time are still there. And, I went back in my own steps because he and Henry wanted me to. But, Henry doesn’t have time for me anymore. Even though I went back, things are not how they were. So I don’t want to stay in this stage of my life. I want to move on. I want to take that step I wanted to before. I am such a stubborn person and I hate myself for letting people talk me into not doing what I wanted. I like being stubborn. I believe I stubborn enough to get what I want but I know when to put others first. I like that about me. But, I faltered (sp?) I let other people convince me to give up on what I wanted because they didn’t want me to have it. And that was wrong. I need to take this step and I’m going to. Me and Jason shouldn’t be together. I love him as a person but I don’t see us going anywhere as a couple. He is the perfect guy for me. He’s understanding, loving, kind, sweet and just generally a great guy. But, I don’t feel the spark. And maybe the spark doesn’t really exist, i don’t know. But, I’d prefer to be single than in a relationship I don’t want to be in.

With a sigh,
      Lauren xx