locked out

I’m going crazy. I’m seriously going crazy. I need to smoke. No smoking day today. And why? Because I’m a twat and have locked myself out of my room. I have no money, phone, CIGARETTES!, train pass…damn it I don’t even have a bra and socks.No jumper, no coat…no shoes… and no towel to have a shower. I slept in a tshirt last night and shoved my jeans over my knickers coz i needed the loo. Was lost in my thoughts as I walked out of my bedroom and shut the door behind me. Yeah. Keys inside. twat. at least i have my jeans on and didn’t come out in the shorts i sleep in a lot. man i don’t need this today. i have terrible cramps because of time of the month. I have a hangover because i went clubbing last night. and i was drunk before i even left the house! it’s frickin’ freezing in england at the moment. like…ridiculously cold. and this house gets cold so quickly. i’ve got one of laura’s jumpers on and another one of laura’s jumpers to keep my sockless, shoeless feet warm. *sobs*

and i’ve been kind of upset yesterday and this morning. i ended up having a very drunken chat to Jamie and then bursting into tears and sobbing into his shoulder. then him and laura got worried about me and kept knocking on my door to get me to go sit in the living room with them. but i was drunk so i just sobbed through the door that i was fine and that i was just going to go to bed. i was extremely tempted to selfharm. it was all i could think about. i think maybe i just needed to have a good cry and get some stress out of my system. i most certainly did cry… at stupid o clock in the morning i realised what i really needed…jordan to be kissing my cheeks, my neck and my shoulders. It was really specific i remember, i didn’t want to kiss him back i just needed him to be kissing my face and neck. it was the only think that was going to make me happy. i’m glad my phone call to tell him that didn’t wake him up…but it did make me cry more that i couldn’t tell him i needed him. the things that were worrying me still stand and i still feel the same. i’ve had a cry laying here on the sofa trying to keep warm. i hope laura was asleep. she’s fallen asleep on the other sofa and i don’t know if she heard me crying or not. i tried to be really quiet…*sighs*

i just want to go to jordans…but i’ve locked myself away from my stuff so i cant. and today my parents are visiting cambridge. me and mum were gonna go do some shopping then dad was meeting us for dinner. well…that aint gonna happen now is it? i can’t go out with no shoes or coat or money or makeup or having a shower or phone or…fuck this shit.

I JUST NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!

I don’t know if i can go much longer. needing a cigarette is making me tearful too. i don’t want to snap at people but i can’t get away from people coz i can’t get in my room and i can’t go out. i am running out of things to distract myself with. i can’t eat. i just want to smoke. i haven’t eaten anything today and it’s 4.20pm. *sighs*