issues

i dunno why im making another entry. i just feel recently i have a lot to get off my chest. and i have noone elses chest to chuck it onto. i dont know why but i cant talk to henry. half is…he’s happy. REALLY happy. and who am i to moan about all my problems to him? im half tempted to make my diary favourites only and block him from it…im all too aware that he’s going to be reading this. but then id feel like im lying to him and…im hesitating to do that. but…i cant talk to him, i cant talk to jason, me and ashley have grown apart over the last few months and i dont really talk to anyone else. i never really feel an absolute need to talk to someone. but i do now. i really need someone. anyone. i feel so alone and i have so much to talk about.

ive been having a few cuting issues recently. i mean, i had to stop before my holiday so that’s an issue in itself. i struggled. i didnt really let on because i didnt want to admit it to myself most of the time. but it was hard. so hard. and i havent even been able to start again yet because of the outfit i have for tomorrow. perhaps i can get away with something on my ribs…i dunno. my family had an argument on holiday. one night my mum got upset and everyone was having a go. it was on the way home. it was like a 45 minute walk or something like that and they were arguing all the way home. i walked ahead. i didnt want to argue.  but every so often my dad shouted "you dont think you’re getting away from it by walking 20yards ahead" i was upset that day anyway because id been wanting to cut. i was tired and i had wanted to go home at like 11 but i didnt say anything because i didnt want to ruin thier night. we stayed out until about 2.30 and i was not in the mood for an argument by that point. when we got back to our house, i went straight upstairs and got into bed. i was just lying in bed listening to them argue downstairs. i wanted to cut so much. i dug my nails into my skin until it bled. theres always some part of your body you can keep covered. even in a bikini. ive never done that before. i needed to though. i felt numb. i feel numb. i need to cut. you’ve got to feel pain if you want to feel anything at all.

jason…i need you…

i want to tell him. i want to just fall into his arms, have him kiss me and let him know just how much i need him around, just how much i love being with him, just what a lovely person he is and how lucky i feel for him to want to be with me and for him to put up with me….it’s better this way. i think if i tell myself that enough times ill start to believe it. what i would give for just one more kiss though…but no. it’s not fair on him. i need to let him escape the hurt i would cause him if we were together. he needs to get away from me. i know he cares and that’s what scares me. ive changed my mind many times before because i didnt want to hurt him. if im going to do it…i need to make him get over me before i do. then i wont hurt him so much. then i can do and get it over and done with