I’m sorry, I don’t have a title.

oh my eyes hurt…*sighs*

I just wanna lie in bed and close my eyes. not go to sleep. just lie with my eyes closed. I’ve had this a lot recently. My eyes are so sensitive to light. When I go outside I have to shut my eyes. Even if it’s not that bright. Like 7am on a cloudy day, I go outside and I have to look down for about 5 minutes until I get used to the light. And I keep getting pains in my head. They only last for a few seconds but *shrugs* I’ve got my laptop screen at such a funny angle so the light isnt so bright. I could change the setting but it’s not annoying me yet so I wont bother.

I was looking through lyrics… not entirely sure why, just browsing and I read this…

"See you’re so young lady,
Got your life in front of you,
I know you love that boy,
But a real man deserves you,
And he ain’t real,
And maybe he’s not the one,
If he don’t understand how you feel"

It’s from a song by Lemar (god, I hate him) but…it made me feel a little better. *shrugs again*

I’ve decided that I want to stop cuttting. Once and for all. And I want to tell Mr Fendley so that I have a reason to stop. But…now I have to figure out how to approah Mr Fendley. I think I might just get it over with tomorrow. Go to registration with Little Zoe and ask if he has time for a private chat sometime tomorrow. Man…my heart is beating so fast. Oh lord, no I daren’t. argh! *laughs at self*

Oh that reminds me, I have a new listener client to meet tomorrow. I’m pretty scared. It’s a shy one and usually, that’s my thing. I’m picked for the shy ones because I used to be so shy myself so I pretty much know what they are thinking and what I would have wanted a listener to do. But recently. I suck. Seriously, I get stuck for words. I never do that in listening situations. Never. But…I dunno.

I think I need some help with my Tasha. We can talk about things, I think I know a lot of what’s going on. But…we’ve become more like friends and…we never really get round to talking about how to solve things. I know it helps just to talk but we gotta get to it at some point. She just flits between topics. I can’t get her to focus on one thing so we don’t really go in depth. It’s just like she rolls off facts and when she’s said the story she goes onto another story. Like I just said to Henry, because I shouldn’t really give details on here because of confidentiality. So I’m gonna organise a night out with the listeners so we can talk about our clients over a meal. *nods*

I just got sidetracked  by a picture of a *really* pretty girl. Sometimes, you know, I wish I was prettier. Sometimes I’m ok with not being stunning because I don’t think I’m particularly ugly. I just blend and that’s a good way to be but…sometimes I wish I was one of the stereotypical pretty girls. You know, perfect skin, long shiny thick hair, perfect makeup, always looking fashionable. *gets low for a while*

Zoë was pretty low a few days back. She was telling me about it. Apparently she just sat watching TV with her mum and just suddenly had to say "Mum, I feel really low" and burst into tears. lol, she tries to talk when she is crying and it comes out like she’s sobbing and so dramatic and she was saying "I just don’t know what’s wrong with me" in this voice. Everytime I imagine it, I laugh. I know, it’s worrying that she was low and I justw anna hug her but *giggles slightly*. It always reminds me of the time I took her to her blood test because she is scared of needles and she was sick and passed out and was crying and shouting "I’m sorry Lauren, I’m sorry" It was so funny.

I’ve really rambled. One last bit of information : I was eating cold custard because I havent really eaten anything today, just a packet of crisps but then Henry made me feel bad about being fat and unhealthy and now I have the half empty bowl in front of me. I can’t bring myself to finish it. I tried. I took a mouthful but it made me feel sick as I thought of my jiggley belly.

Lauren x