I’m just so down.

The days are just so long at the moment. I’m just finding it so difficult to motivate myself into even getting up in the morning. When I got home from school today I just sat on the sofa, flicked through the music channels, not even watching, for about 2 hours until my mum got home from a course she was on today. Then I was forced to either be sociable as my brother had come downstairs to chat to my mum or to wander upstairs. I wandered upstairs and watched the Weakest Link. I couldn’t even be bothered to make myself a cup of tea. As a matter of fact, I still haven’t had that cuppa and it’s 8pm…

I went to talk to one of my physics teachers today to ask him if it would be ok for me to miss the lesson tomorrow because of the funeral. He started to ask me about me saying one day I would tell them what it was all about…which I blatantly didn’t do because on the letter Mr Steer sent my teachers it told them I hadn’t even told Mr Steer anything and so they shouldn’t push for me to tell them either…which I thought was nice of Mr Steer. *sighs* I wish I could talk to Mr Fendley…that’s my other physics teacher. He’s such a lovely man…and I know I could tell him anything. It’s just…his role as a teacher worries me. Mr Steer phoned my parents without talking to me first…would Mr Fendley? I was going to write him a letter. I really want to. But…*sighs* I wish someone would just tell him I want to talk to him. I want to just cry and let him know that everytime he offers for me to talk to him about things, he doesn’t know just how much I want to. I just dont…I don’t know where to start.  And what do i tell him? That I’m a self harmer ‘trying to stop’? That I just don’t see the point in anything anymore? That I don’t actually care about there being no point? and what would he say? He would just disagree. And I would just make him uncomfortable…I don’t know. He apparently went to my form tutor and said that he wanted me to talk to him. He said he wasn’t doing me a favour…he would bend over backwards for me because he’s worried. *sighs*  I wish I…had his email adress of something. It would be so much easier to…start talking to him. I can’t…I just don’t know how to approach him. Perhaps it’s not a good idea anyway.

– Lauren x