general goings on in uni and at home
Feeling incredibly down today. I’m just struggling with uni right now. I don’t feel like I belong here. I don’t feel like I really fit in. I never did in 6th form but it didn’t bother me. At 6th form I would go, do my lessons (or not and go to the pub) and go home at the end of the day and be with my family. OK, I never felt like I fitted in at home but it was a different kind of fitting in there. Family fitting in doesn’t matter…they have to talk to you. Here…I have no escape. If people don’t like me here I have nowhere else to go.
Last night was the most difficult night for wanting to cut. I needed to so so badly but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself. And I was strong and I’m proud of myself but it hurt. And it hurts now. I still need to. So so terribly. I’ve been aching all day. I don’t want to act down in front of everyone here because they don’t know me. They have no reason to worry about me. They can just ignore me. And how am I going to make friendships with these people if I just mope about and act like my usual moody self? I need to perk back up but I just feel so…fucking useless.
I have a test tomorrow on loads of eye terms. Really need to get my ass in gear revising. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done some. I just need to do more. I can’t concentrate properly so even though I’m going through the motions of revising…it’s not going in. I need to memorise all this shit. And some of it…well what I assume some of it will be…I don’t even have access to any of it. I mean he only mentioned it in passing and I have no idea what his tests are like because this is my first one but I assume this will be in it (for self: the typical prescriptions for the different types of astigmatism).
anyway…lovely weekend. Jordan came back home with me and we went to Antonios. Wasn’t anywhere near as good as it used to be. Still OK though. Nice time with him anyway. Then we went back to mine and sat talking to my mum for a while. Next day we walked my dog to my nans and he met my nan Ursula and Gdad Bob for the first time. He was incredibly polite. My grandad was very quiet. Perhaps because he couldn’t hear Jordan (he can’t hear anyone) and knew my nan would shout at him. My nan and Jordan spoke quite a bit though. Was kinda sweet. yesterday I came back here and moped a bit.
Done nothing today really. First day since I’ve been to uni where I haven’t been travelling or studying or meeting someone or getting drunk or all 4. Would’ve been nice except for the lonliness. Now sitting in the kitchen in silence with Nicole opposite me. She’s also on her laptop. We have a habit of doing this. We both sit in these 2 seats in silence both on our laptops doing our own thing but…being there…it’s weird but nice.
Lauren x