Events of 9th January 2007 – Grandad Bob

I wanted to write some more about my grandad’s death…so I remember it. Not that I want to remember him dying, just that, I have such a bad memory and I feel like I miss out on a lot of my life because I forget it and…I dunno. I just want to record it.

So it was Sunday 7th January. I am in Cambridge. I go to work and finish at 3pm. get back to my room and cook a little something to eat. I plan on staying over night, tidying my room, sorting out my stuff and cleaning the kitchen. I get a phone call saying that my grandad has been taken to hospital by ambulance and that we have ‘all be asked to go’. So I ring a taxi straight away and go straight to the train station. 2 minutes before my train arrives, I get another phone call from my mum saying that I needn’t go home because they have sent him home saying there is nothing they can do for him. I go back to King’s Lynn anyway.

Monday. I go out to lunch with some friends. I go out at night drinking, reluctantly, with friends. Rachel Stevens tells me she is driving so can take me to the hospital if I need to go. (They were trying to get me to relax and have a couple of drinks and not take my car)

Tuesday about 10am I get a phone call. I am sitting in bed chatting to Emily. My nan has phoned an ambulance for my grandad again. Would I go and look after my aunts poodle, Sassy, that was round my nan and grandad’s? Yeah sure. Get Sassy, the poodle, to my house and am there about 20 minutes before I get another phone call saying we have been called to the hospital and my dad is coming to get me. He is dead before me and my dad arrive. He dies at 11.15. We go to reception of A&E and the woman on there is a friend of my dads. She dithers a little then lets us through into A&E. We wait outside resus while she says something to my mum. I can just see her through the gap where the receptionist hasn’t pulled the sliding door far enough. My mum shakes her head and comes to the other side of the screen (which was also pulled across…she didn’t do well at blocking mine and dad’s sight). We are allowed in and mum bursts into tears and says “he’s gone”. I suppose I should have guessed by the way the receptionist panicked a little…she was unsure of what to do (she obviously didn’t know if we knew or not).

While me and dad were walking to A&E, he said “Well, I’m just thinking, if he’s going to go…I hope he’s already gone before we get there”. I half heartedly agreed but the majority of me wanted to be with him. That can’t be helped though. My mum DID NOT want to see him dead. She had to be there with him when he died. None of the rest of us made it and she couldn’t leave my nan alone.

While nan and mum were alone there apparently his breathing just got slower and slower. Mum says nan thought he was going to sleep. She had to say “no, mum, he’s not.” before my nan realised what was happening.

One thing that sticks in my mind…I was sitting next to my grandad’s body alone with my nan. My mum escaped a few times because she didn’t really want to be sitting with his body. Luckily, I did…so I stayed with my nan in my mum’s place. Well me and nan were sitting there. I don’t remember if we were talking…I think we were but I have no idea about what. She was probably just saying the usual things like “it’s going to be weird going home without him” etc…and I was looking at the medical posters around the room spelling out the words in the phoenetic alphabet to stop myself crying. Anyway, my nan points to my grandads hand. His left hand is wrapped around the bars of the hospital bed. She cries and tells me to look…unwraps his fingers…tucks his hand next to his body then says how cold it is…then she starts to tuck in the blanket which is over him so that it can warm his hand…that was one of the most heartbraking moments of the day for me.

Also, when my nan touches his eyes then smiles and says “his eyes weren’t quite shut…so I did it for him”.

We left after a while so that the nnurses could tidy him up. When we went back in, you know they put them in those white shirts with the frills around the collar and down the front, well my nan laughs and says “wouldn’t he have made a fuss about that frilly top? he’d’ve hated it” so true. He’d’ve got in a right huff.

I remember, the whole time I was sitting there, I wanted to reach out and hold his hand. I wanted to stoke the back of his hand but I daren’t. I was afraid of what my family would think of me doing that. My mum wouldn’t touch him but my nan was quite easily. Which is weird because…my nan has a phobia of human bodies. That sounds weird but I wont explain it right now. Just before we left, after they had tidied him up, I touched his hand whilst my nan kissed him goodbye. His hand *was* so so cold.

When I was sitting on my own with my nan and grandad, the nurse came and said he’d like to tell us what we have to do next. So my nan panics and basically begs me to listen because she can’t take anything in. So…I do. I listen and I struggle to remember. Who we have to call when, who they will call and when they will give us this and what will be organised by who and…and…and…

There was so many more details I wanted to remember but…my memory had already failed. It’s only been a week.

Today we went to sort out the flowers. Reds, burnt oranges, dark yellows and greens. Nothing too bright. My nan is have a doubled ended display to go on top of the coffin. From our side of the family it is a pretty little display. It’s a reef but not a traditional one. It’s lots of big green leaves and separated into sections. Instead of there being flowers all over theres like…a little cluster of red roses…then a little way away a little cluster of another type of flower…5 different types of flower…looks like we’ve planted the flowers in separate parts of the display. Not a very good description. My uncle is going on wednesday to order the stuff from his side of the family. We’re pretty sure they’re going to have one of those cushion displays…like a cushion made out of flowers and ribbon in the same colours as us.

Also, we were given a card to put with them. I picked the one with ‘Grandad’ on it from me and my brother. How do you shorten all of your love and thoughts onto a tiny little card? And…how do I do it joint with my 21 year old brother? Maybe I will buy a separate card for Dom. My nan is going to write her card in german…to keep her private message a little more private.

I’m sure there is more I want to write but…I guess I can add to this…it’s an entry to remind me about things not an actual entry so…I guess it doesn’t matter if I edit it…if I remember anything else.

Lauren.