Dear Jason

Dear Jason

I’m so sorry. I feel like such a bitch. I feel so guilty and know how much it would’ve hurt you. It’s all my own fault. I know you’re only trying to make my happy. And you do. You’re so sweet and i have so much fun with you. But, it’s stupid me. I’ve been told before that i make dramas out of things. and it’s true. I keep telling myself, that you care and you’re trying to make me happy and you like me. I know all of these things are true but i just wont let myself accept that things are great between us. Why can’t i just let myself be happy for once?? There’s this little part of me, the part that makes my chest tightwhenever i think about this, that is screaming. It’s telling me to hold back. It’s telling me not to be such a bitch and to stop taking what i dont have the right to. It’s telling me i don’t deserve you and i should ruin it. and i’ve certainly done that. well, not in your eyes, you don’t know anything about it. and i’m certainly not going to tell you. although, i should. but, i’ve already ruined things. i’ve already been a bitch. i’ve already been myself and completely cocked things up. I’m so sorry, Jason. I’d hope that if i told you, you would forgive me. but, i’m not planning to risk that. you mean too much to me. It’s me who should be punished. not you. and, don’t worry, i will be.

Love Lolla xx