angry

Been feeling pretty down about my weight recently. I put on some weight while I was on holiday with Jordan and NOW I’m on my frickin period so I’m bloated. That doesn’t help. And on friday I just happen to be going away with one of the most naturally skinny girls alive (and she can eat whatever the fuck she likes).

Emily voiced these concerns in the pub the other day. Emily’s about the same size as me – a little bit slimmer. We’re not big girls at all. But we have our little tummys. Normally I’m not overly bothered by it. Yes I moan and get a little upset when I feel big in the outfit I wanna wear but I wouldn’t be a girl if I didn’t do that. Me and Emily have planned to lock Rachel in the room for the day time while we sunbathe. Or at least make her lay over the other side of the pool/beach. She literally has NO fat.

Sooo I’m not looking forward to feeling pretty uncomfortable on holiday. And I need to lose weight. Weighe myself this morning and I’ve lost 3 pounds since I got back from holiday with Jordan. Would like to lose a stone…but that’s the maximum. I wouldn’t want to be any smaller than that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not desperately unhappy with my size but I don’t like the weight I’ve put on. I just want to go back to the size I was before I started going out with Jordan.

last night at dinner I made sure I only ate half of what I was given. But it was an unhealthy dinner…couldnt cancel though because it was an important dinner meeting. had a good time with Gemma and Bev. Really nice restaurant and pretty cheap! bout £11 each for dinner and drinks. Really nice food too.

Was meant to be going to Jordan’s tonight but I didn’t really fancy it as he’ll be tired and will fall asleep early and I’ll be laying in the dark doing nothing. And this stresses me out at the best of times but I’m feeling pretty stressed at the mo and don’t really need it. Plus I didn’t wanna upset my mum by saying I’m going to London for the night when I’ve barely seen her coz I keep going to London and went on holiday with Jordan etc. Especially as I’m buggering off to Magaluf Friday. He didn’t listen to my reasoning – reckons he did but actually kept interrupting me before i could get to my point. and then we talked it through a bit and he said “this would all be solved if you just came tonight”. That kinda proves he didn’t listen to my reasoning. So we’re ignoring MY issues with the situation and saying it would all be perfect if I just did what would make him happy. Brilliant Jordan. Thanks. Just brush my reasoning under the rug…oh wait, you say I don’t have any reasons? Maybe you were interrupting me and I didn’t actually get chance to say them? And by the time I COULD say them (because I’d started crying as you upset me and then had a go at you for not let me get my point across) I was too angry to think of the words. And then you do what you normally do. I try to walk away from the conversation because I’m getting angry and upset and you wont let me so I end up hanging up on you. And you ring back. So I get even more angry. And I tell you to get off the phone. You refuse so I end up hanging up again. Every single argument is exactly the same. I try to walk away from it and you just wont let me because you want to end on a good note. I’m too angry to end on a good note. we will carry it on when i’m calm so we can get to a good note. and then you patronise me by saying “well there’s no problem now because we’ve just talked it all through” “no we HAVENT just talked it all through and yes there IS a problem” “ok, lauren, we haven’t talked it through…” in that stupid patronising voice you do with a little laugh at the end (which you’ll deny doing). oooh I’m angry. And I want time apart.I might come tonight as the night before we break. and because…all the problems would be solved if i just came tonight and spent all my evening sitting in bed in the dark alone when i could spend it sitting talking to my family or reading or watching television or packing for my holiday or visiting my grandparents or doing ANYTHING but sitting in the fucking dark and being careful about not moving too much so i don’t wake you up.