and should mouth confuse my foggy mirror

The past 3 or 4 days haven’t been so dandy. No, no, not dandy in the slightest. This chest infection I’ve had for the past couple of months has decided it’s had enough of me ignoring it. You know when you go up in a plane and you have to kinda cock your head to one side and open your mouth to pop your ears? Well imagine you have to do that right now…and as soon as you close your mouth you have to do it again…oh yes…all day that is how i’ve spent my time. I’ve been trying to pop my ears so I can hear things. When Ollie came round Friday night/Saturday morning he made a comment about me being a granny listening to the TV full blast…I was not amused.

*EDIT* I read through this as I saved it. I kinda didn’t relate the ears the the chest infection did I? haha. Well, I got a cold as well as my chest infection so that’s why I have ear problems…as well as headaches and all my body aching and a bunged nose (I sound like i have a peg on my nose and EVERYONE is taking the piss out of me) and flashing eyes and a temperature and *delves into self pity*

Anyway, because I was feeling ill Friday night I was getting myself down. Thursday night I got just 30 minutes sleep roughly (which resulted in me not going to school) and so I was tired and cranky and generally feeling crap. I wanted to cut so much. I cried. Man, did I cry. I just…sobbed even though I didn’t have the energy to. I laid on my bed but I felt so alone. My dog heard me crying and came and laid with me. I cuddled my dog and my teddy that I’ve had since I was born for about 2 hours. I must have looked such a state. It didn’t even feel as if it were happening.

I want to say that it helped, that it felt like a massive release but it just depressed me so much. I mean, after two hours I decided enough was enough and I couldn’t breathe and I just needed someone to tell me to shut up and stop me crying. I phoned Henry but his phone was off. So, I scrolled down my phonebook. I saw Ashley’s name. I have like 200 people in my phone book. There was not one other person that I felt I could phone. What does that say about me? Does it show that I’m secretive or does it show that I’m just not close to my friends. That they don’t actually care about me as a person…I’m just someone there to go out with, to work with and they’re not actually there for me. I can’t figure out whether it’s a fault with me or a fault in the friendships. Maybe it’s both.

*takes a pause to finish her dissolable paracetamol based drink* (Guava juice topped with boiling water and paracetamol added to make a homemade nicer flavoured lemsip. I had an orange juice one yesterday. I may have mango juice next time) You know how things just collect in the bottom of a drink. Like, a cocktail. It’s always strongest at the bottom. Well, dissolavable paracetamol really doesn’t taste nice. The last gulp is especially foul.

*sighs* I’ve given up caring about this entry. I’ve abandonned the internet and I think I’ve abandonned my diary too…I don’t like it.

I was listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah album and it went onto my 28 song list of The Clash lol. I never listen to The Clash anymore. I’m enjoying it. I believe it’s time to listen to I Fought the Law. *clicks*

Lauren x