09/16/2013

Life just seems to be going passed so quickly at the moment…

But nothing’s changing.

I have so much I want to do and want to change but it’s just not happening. Some is my own fault, procrastinating, making excuses. Those things I really need to fix. I need to pick one and pull my socks up. But others? I feel like I can’t do anything about a lot of things.

Smoking. I need to quit. And I WANT to quit more than I have before. I don’t really know where to start. Jordan doesn’t understand.

Work. Every time it gets to a point where I might be able to get some of the director’s time to finish my contact lens optician training, something else happens that needs his attention and increases my work load. Latest thing? Manager hands in notice. Fab. That means I’m the only person working there with any experience or qualifications. When am I going to have time to do anything for me?

Jordan. Over 7 years. No marriage, no babies. We’re just either arguing or being friends. I think we’re growing apart. We keep saying we’ll try harder but nothing changes. Neither of us are doing anything about it. Maybe we’ve just stopped caring if it works but can’t be bothered to end it? I dunno. I think I’m hurt that he still doesn’t want to marry me. No, I know im hurt that for years he’s talked about wanting the future that i want but…nothing. He’s just saying what I want to hear. The truth would be more helpful so we could decide if we want the same things. I think he’s… I don’t know what he is. He doesn’t tell me anything. He did say he didn’t love me anymore but then said later he didn’t mean it and was angry. I think he meant it. And I can’t fix it. The thing is it’s not awful being together. We’re not arguing ALL the time. We still laugh a lot together. So there’s nothing to kick our butts into doing something about it. So do we trundle along and stay in an ok relationship with him always planning a future that we haven’t gotten round to living thus far? Or do we walk away friends and possibly regret what might have been if we’d tried?

I think I’m just tired. Of everything.

Didn’t realise how down I was until I started typing. Sleep now.